Just leaving husband won’t solve your problems

Q My husband and I have pussyfooted over deeply rooted issues our entire relationship. We got engaged when young (I was 22) and our values and families are now obviously very

different. His family’s codependent relationship has taken a toll on our more independent, mature (hopefully) relationship. He refuses to see things my way, later saying that I haven’t “done” enough or am holding grudges.

But for me, pretending like nothing has happened doesn’t make me want to be closer to him or have a healthy sexual relationship. He thinks all our issues would be resolved if only I wanted more sex from him. At this point, I don’t want any. I’ve felt ignored, unheard, used and degraded.

His family owes me an apology. There have been pocketdialed voicemails talking about my terrible family and awful things that have been said and told to my husband.

But they refuse to acknowledge there are any issues. I haven’t confronted them, just politely distanced myself from the toxic situation.

I feel that it’s up to him to bridge that divide between his family and me — the same way I deal with mine. I’ve tried to be supportive to his relationship with his family, telling him to call, spend time, etc. It’s always been me doing the gifts, making the time and effort. Realizing they won’t change, and that I have changed for the better of my mental health, I’ve asked for a separation. He bounces from agreeable to angry to acting like nothing ’s wrong and that I’m crazy. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I think it’s hurting me the most. Done

A You got that off your chest. But not fully. Even if the final answer is to separate, you’re not there yet. You’re just trying to run.

Escaping won’t resolve anything between you two, nor make you ready for your next relationship. It also won’t help you live with the confidence that you handled this well. You need to do the hard work still: Therapy for yourself, and if you’ve already had that, counselling with him.

He can’t say you haven’t done enough if he won’t try to learn what’s created this negative environment, and what strategies are needed to change it.

You can’t say you’re not holding grudges if you never stood up for yourself to those badmouthing you. Neither of you have tried enough. He left you dealing with his family’s nastiness. You foolishly took on his duties as a son.

If this relationship ends now, you both failed at it. If you want to do better — even with someone else in the future — you need professional help and the determination to see it through.

You married young, and you’re still reacting as young people who avoid accepting responsibility for staying divided instead of trying to forge a strong union against underhanded interferers.

Turn your anger into energy for mature attempts to change the divide. If they fail, you can then move on confidently.