Counselling could help mom’s relationship with daughter

Q My teenage daughter and I are very close. I made sure she knew she was my No. 1 priority. Her father and I divorced when she was 11.

Eventually she started spending every second weekend at his place. I started dating and met a nice man, who eventually moved into our home.

Six years later, she and my partner still aren’t friends.

She developed a teenager’s bad attitude toward anything or anybody that doesn’t agree with her.

She doesn’t speak to him unless she needs to. They stay out of each other’s way, but she can be nasty sometimes.

She and I have typical mother-daughter conflicts that can get ugly, but she still talks to me about everything.

Recently, we argued about a trivial matter, it escalated into a yelling match, during which my partner arrived. He told her to stop, she told him to mind his own business.

They began arguing/yelling and trading insults.

She called her dad to come get her and has stayed away for five days.

I know that we all behaved badly. We adults should’ve removed ourselves before things got out of control. But I also cannot excuse my daughter’s behaviour.

However, she feels that I should’ve stood up for her against my partner. She says she won’t come home as long as he’s living at our house.

I shouldn’t have to give up my life and future with him in order to keep her. But I feel terrible for not immediately choosing her.

Is my daughter a spoiled brat or am I a horrible mother? Torn

A She’s acting on the belief which you instilled in her, that she comes first.

She needs help learning that your partner doesn’t replace her. He supports you in adult ways, and has even tolerated her coldness toward him as part of that support.

Get mother-daughter counselling together because you need each other: She needs your guidance toward her achieving an emotionally healthy adult life.

You need the comfort and security of knowing she loves and respects you.

Also, get couple’s counselling to clarify his role in the family: Unless there’s abuse involved, your mother-daughter fights are not his fights.

He can become a friend to her if she regains her confidence in your love and recognizes his commitment to you both.