YES, IT STILL MATTERS TO SAY ‘SORRY’

Forgiveness can be a powerful force for defeating pain, says Amira Elghawaby.

Not everyone deserves to be forgiven, but every apology deserves to be heard.

In the waning days of the summer, a furor erupted on social media around the reappearance of an offensive picture that had once been posted on the Instagram account of a local Ottawa restaurant.

Back in 2016, the Wellington Diner had shared an image of a sandwich board that read: “Eating two strips of bacon for breakfast reduces your chance of being a suicide bomber by 100%.”

Somehow, it must have failed to be noticed then — but as the internet is forever, it garnered understandable indignation when it resurfaced.

Within a day, the post was taken down, and a few days later, the diner’s owner, Jeffrey Frost, tweeted a statement apologizing for the image.

“The post was hurtful, and it sets back the work that many in Ottawa are doing to try to counter the harm that racism does in our city,” he wrote.

“It was thoughtless and unacceptable and I sincerely apologize to the Muslim community and anyone else who was offended by the image.”

In an age where social media creates constant opportunities to rage against injustices and those who commit them, seeing the apology was a welcome change to the doubling down that can sometimes happen when someone is called out for their online or off-line offences.

Consider the principal at the York Region District School Board in Toronto who refused to apologize for posting hateful and stereotypical images and comments on her Facebook page in the fall of 2016.

It took a concerted parentled community campaign, an investigation by the Ministry of Education, the firing of the board’s director of education, and a human rights complaint before a full apology was finally issued.

“We recognize that the posts impacted your sense of safety and inherent self-dignity,” the school board said in a statement at the start of this school year. “The board recognizes and reiterates that all families ... have the right to feel safe and secure in their learning environments.”

It isn’t easy to apologize, nor does it lead to instant satisfaction. A 2013 study by several researchers including Tyler G. Okimoto, a senior lecturer in business at the University of Queensland, found that not apologizing even gave people a sense of power and self-worth. “When you refuse to apologize, it actually makes you feel more empowered,” Okimoto explained in a later interview with NPR.

Which is why it’s up to those on the receiving end of a sincere apology to show forgiveness. That isn’t always easy, either.

Recently, Zakaria Amara, one of the infamous Toronto 18, wrote a blog post apologizing for his radicalization. “I ask the Canadian public to forgive me for betraying their trust and welcoming arms,” wrote the 33-year-old from prison, where he’s so far spent 13 years.

“I ask the Muslim community to forgive me for causing them so much apprehension by helping to cast them under a dark cloud of suspicion.”

There are those who will understandably struggle to accept this apology — and yet, research shows forgiveness helps to heal communities and strengthen those who are wronged.

In the past year alone, two separate American Muslim families made headlines after forgiving the men who killed their sons in cold blood. One father, Abdul-Munim Sombat Jitmoud, hugged the man who murdered his son during a robbery while his son was delivering pizza.

A mother offered to help the family of another man who killed her son to steal $60 as he was walking home.

“Forgiveness means not allowing the pain of the past to dictate the path of the future,” writes Marina Cantacuzino, founder of The Forgiveness Project, a U.K.-based organization that collects and shares stories of those who overcome trauma and pain through forgiveness.

“It requires a broad perspective, namely understanding that life is morally complicated, that people behave in despicable ways, and that some things can never be explained.”

In his bestselling family memoir, Forgiveness: A Gift from My Grandparents, Canadian lawyer and author Mark Sakamoto explores the strength he inherited through his grandmother’s own journey overcoming the trauma of being interned during the Second World War here in Canada.

“She had used forgiveness personally to really cleanse her heart and move away from those years to a more positive and hopeful future,” he told an interviewer earlier this spring.

“I’m glad she did because I was a part of that future.”