Cheating partner needs ultimatum
Q I’ve been dating my co-worker for five months. We’d known each other for three years. She’s been in a relationship with another guy for seven years, and they live together. We went on a work trip and unexpectedly, on the last day, we clicked. I didn’t think of it that much when we returned. She told me that she was in a relationship, and we were just a one-time thing. I respected her decision, but then she wanted to hang out with me for lunch and after work. After a month and a half, she said she was falling in love with me. A couple of weeks later, she said she wanted to be with me and would leave her relationship. It’s now more than three months since that statement. At first, I said she could take her time to break up the right way, since they’ve been together so long. But I’ve developed stronger feelings for her and asked how much longer she’d need. She said she hated a deadline or timeline and wanted me to trust her and wait. I waited another two months, but recently we’ve been arguing a lot about when she’ll leave him. I even tried to break up with her several times, but she started crying and convinced me to wait a bit longer … one week. That’s up now and she keeps saying it’s hard to let go and is scared. I said that if she loves him and wants to stay, have the decency to say so, and end things with me. I really love her and think she loves me too. I also have trust issues with her because of her other relationship and have told her that. She’s reassured me that she’d win my trust back. I’m now very invested in this relationship but it seems she doesn’t want, to completely commit to me. I’m interested in your take on this.
A My “take” is objective (not emotional as yours cannot help but be), yet it’s also hopeful in a way you might not expect. This woman may love you, but she also loves her current situation — how they live and whatever security that gives her. In other words, she’s torn between what she has, and what she could have with you. And she’s afraid to make the wrong move. It’s pretty natural in her situation, but very hard for you to take. So, don’t take it any longer. Call a firm break between you. Tell her that though you love her, you can’t keep auditioning for the part of being her partner. There’s something powerful between you, but her delaying is weakening its effect. She knows who you are and what you bring to the relationship. If she wants you, she has to leave her other relationship, now. If she doesn’t, she’s not bringing what you want in a partner. You respect her sensitivity to the guy for their past, but she’s now been cheating on him for five months, so that cancels out loyalty. My advice is hopeful because what’s needed here is an end to the see-saw of emotions on both your parts, as she drags out her decision. If it’s NO, you will survive, eventually move on, and likely never again start a relationship with someone who’s already in one.