Divorce isn’t easy on children

If getting divorced was easy, my job would be easy, too. Anyone who complains about their spouse, in-laws or frequent fights could be advised to split up.

Instead, I look closely at the details — years of ignoring relationship problems, repeating the same arguments or blaming each other without doing the work to seek solutions.

It’s empathy, not judgment, that leads to my response in many of those cases: Try harder.

Yet, I do not believe that desperately unhappy couples should stay together.

They may still split up even after serious efforts to reconcile. But they’ll feel confident that they’ve made the right choice, despite the difficulties of divorce. And there are many:

For both husband and wife, it means confronting your own failed dreams and aspirations. Your income/savings/assets are affected. Some of your closest friendships and family ties will never be the same.

But no matter how hard divorced parents try to ease the effects on their children, there are all-too-common difficulties.

Reader’s commentary: As the only child of divorced parents, although now 63, I still feel sadness about their divorce.

Divorce is emotional violence for a child (of any age). They’re powerless in this decision that’ll affect them for the rest of their lives. While parents can find other partners, their children can never replace their primary family.

Although most adults fail to retain close friendships with both divorced parents, children are expected to continue loving both. They often must bounce living between them. They’re at Mom’s or Dad’s, not at home.

I’m not saying stay together for the sake of the children. That keeps everyone in a living hell. But I am saying, to those who contemplate divorce, do everything you possibly can to heal your marriage. Kids do adapt, but it comes at a cost.

And if you do divorce, get help for your children. You may not be aware of just how deeply they hurt.