Parents fighting is never easy on the kids
Q I’m 37, living in a verbally/ emotionally abusive and sexually empty relationship. My wife, also 37, calls me a jerk, son-of-a-bitch, a-hole and bastard — all in front of our kids, ages 5 and 8.
She’s always had a bad temper. She used to have some control of it, but not anymore. Now our kids are starting to repeat this behaviour. She’s using them as pawns, telling them that they’re responsible for our fights.
When I tell her privately that I’m going to leave her or take our kids away, she tells the kids that will be their fault.
How devastating will it be for me to take these kids from this home versus staying in this loveless marriage? Are they too young to handle a breakup? Should I wait?
Battling Parents
Your children are being exposed to heavily negative and frightening influences. A breakup appears inevitable. No specific age level for children is certain to be better than another for them to handle it. Back in1984, Dr. Judith Wallerstein, who led the longest-until-then 10-year California Children of Divorce Study, concluded: Five years after a marriage broke up, younger children in the study appeared to be more depressed and emotionally scarred than older siblings. But after 10 years had passed, younger children carried fewer memories of stressful events.
Today, some experts believe “the potential for emotional trauma appears to peak around age 11.”
Child psychologist Dr. Scott Carroll adds, “The divorce itself is not the hardest part, the hardest part is the conflict.”
That’s what your kids are already experiencing.
Yet, just grabbing them and fleeing may escalate the ongoing drama they experience.
I do advise abused men and women alike to RUN if they feel they or their children are in physical danger, or that the abuse is too unbearable to handle a moment longer.
If you start to feel this level of fear, forget worrying about their ages, and just leave, though your wife may threaten you with a charge of kidnapping them.
That’s why I urge you to see a lawyer immediately to discuss how to handle the break. I also urge you to see a children’s therapy specialist who’ll advise you on how to help your children deal with their current — and likely future exposure — to their parents’ fighting.
Wallerstein’s quote in the New York Times, years back, is still significant: “It matters very much what happens in the post-divorce family.”