Is this a ‘transition’ man?
Q She’s married but says she no longer loves her husband. They still live together. I’ve been seeing her for nine months. I suggested she see a marriage counsellor. Her husband went, too. She said he could see nothing wrong in the marriage and that he was happy with things.
For us, it’s been an on-off relationship. She keeps telling me she wants to be with me.
She has two sons in their 30s who aren’t happy about things, even after she’s told them she and their dad are finished.
She keeps telling her husband she’ll divorce him and even told him she was seeing me. She decided to sell the house, unknown to him. She split the proceeds, purchased one for herself and picked out one she thought that he’d like.
He went along with everything, even let her have whatever things she wanted.
One son lives with his dad, the other is on his own. He’s told her if she keeps seeing me he won’t visit her again.
She told him to give me a chance, get to know me and see that things are over between her and his dad. She’s always afraid to go out for dinner with me, because if her ex’s friends see us together and tell him, it’ll upset him. I’ve told her that she has to decide, but she’s still afraid to upset the rest of the family. Her brothers know about me. I’ve even had a drink with them. I care about her, but I won’t keep giving her chance after chance.
Tired of the Uncertainty
A You may become her “transition” man, if she keeps pulling the strings on this relationship.
For you, it’s been a nine-month courtship that’s out of your control. For her, however, it’s a major life change. She reached the point of disengaging from a partner of 30-plus years, and a home where they raised two sons. She introduced you to closest family.
But she hasn’t made a full break emotionally because of guilt that may hang around and affect her a long time yet. That’s not unusual after a long marriage. Yet she obviously cares for you, wants things to work out, but at a slow pace which she’s now controlling (plus occasionally changing her mind).
Yes, it’s time for you to take a firm stand. Assure her that you understand her pangs of conscience, but you can’t live with uncertainty because of them.