The slow, silent type: Confessions of a male misfit

Some of us lack essential genes,

I have a confession to make. I suffer from a genetic disorder. I am missing the MN/GF gene. As an adult male, I find this is a particularly difficult self-discovery to make. It’s taken some time for me to publicly admit to this deficiency, but eventually one simply has to face the truth, no matter how humiliating the truth is.

So what exactly is the MN/GF gene, and why is it so central to male identity?

In this regard the letters of the acronym are very helpful. MN/GF stands for “Make Noise Go Fast.” Men have a great propensity, or drive, to make noise and go fast. This drive appears to be so hardwired into the male members of our species that it continually expresses itself in a huge variety of behaviours.

Here is a partial list of these behaviours: Engine revving (the louder the better); tire squealing; motor biking; ATV driving; jet-skiing; motor boating and snowmobiling.

For best results, all of the above should be done at full throttle in proximity to others.

The two common elements in all these activities are noise and speed. Of the two, noise appears to take precedence. After all, what’s the fun in going fast, if you can’t let the whole world know? In fact, there are a range of products on the market to enhance the noise-making properties of any engine or transportation device.

One may presume that in the great evolutionary by-and-by, the MN/GF gene was added to the male of the species for the purpose of attracting a mate. Surely this can explain a good deal of this behaviour.

But what are we to make of the poor unfortunates who appear to lack the MN/GF gene? (Alas, I include myself in that number.) Is there a place for them in the great scheme of things?

I’m sure there are other males out there who prefer silence to noise, and a slower pace rather than the rat race.

Do they suffer from a testosterone deficiency? Can we even call them men?

Here’s where things get personal. For me, the off-putting factor in all these activities is the noise. I really don’t like it, and the longer it continues, the more annoying I find it.

As for speed, I can appreciate speed, but often you can’t have one without the other. Actually, with our hectic pace of life and sedentary habits, there’s something to be said for slowing things down and de-motorizing. Personal health and fitness could be improved by replacing motor-biking with cycling, motorboating with canoeing, and jet-skiing with kayaking.

But what would my genetically endowed MN/ GF friends think of all this? Trust me. I don’t need to ask. For them, making noise and going fast is central to their view of masculinity. Despite what they may think, I don’t doubt my masculinity, and my wife can testify that I have more than enough testosterone to satisfy her. So what’s the big deal, you ask?

Well, it’s rather awkward when you have a missing gene. Often you are the odd man out. Other guys think less of you. You are left out of those things they call fun.

With more research into the MN/GF gene, I’m sure a gene-modification therapy could be introduced. Undoubtedly, Bombardier could apply for a government grant to fund this groundbreaking research.

Until then, what’s really needed is a support group for other men suffering from this genetic disorder. I’m sure there are other males out there who prefer silence to noise, and a slower pace rather than the rat race. If that’s you, get in touch. We could have monthly meetings to verify our manhood.

Ah … by the way, did I mention I’m also missing the ILB (I Love Beer) gene? But that’s another topic.