It’s always important to look after your elderly relatives

Q An old friend of my aunt (I’ll call her “Jane”) told me that she’s unable to contact Jane because her partner had a falling-out with this friend and won’t let her speak to Jane.

When I call, he always answers the phone and also dials for her. I’ve visited and dropped in unannounced four times over the last few years and have never seen anything worrisome. My aunt attends an activity centre three times a week, which she enjoys. She wears clean clothes, the house is well kept, and when I arrived unannounced she had her lunch, including meat, potatoes and vegetables.

The local health unit recently checked out her functioning and said that she doesn’t have dementia. She does forget things and struggles to find words. She’s 86, uses a cane and a walker. Her partner has asked me in the past if I could have her near me should anything happen to him (he had medical issues at the time.) Her friend who used to visit tells me that Jane had no money and was afraid to purchase anything. She says that Jane doesn’t say things that her partner wouldn’t like. I’ve never seen them together but I’m never alone with Jane. Her partner has daughters who didn’t take kindly to Jane, who had no children of her own. I’m the closest, almost only relative she has left, but live six-hours’ drive away. How should I proceed? Can I talk to the police?

Concerned Niece

A You should look into your aunt’s situation simply because you’re her only relative. She’s apparently totally dependent on her partner who may be doing nothing wrong. But her old friend’s comment to you about him controlling access to Jane, plus the disinterested attitude of his stepdaughters, could be worrisome.

It warrants a trip and a long enough stay nearby (at her home would be even more telling) to check things out. Contact the health unit that visited Jane and make an appointment to see whomever was at her home. Without suggesting something’s wrong, just explain that you’re the only relative and are concerned about her and ask if they saw anything you should know about.

(There are likely privacy restrictions, so proceed gently).

Also, the same goes for speaking to the seniors’ activity counsellor, asking about your aunt and if there’s anything they’ve noticed that you should know. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday Send questions to ellie@thestar.ca