A toxic relationship is tough to overcome

Q I am 54. My boyfriend, 50, and I have been dating for a little more than a year. When we first met, we saw each other three to four times a week and communicated via text or through phone calls. We live apart.

In the past six months, we’re spending less and less time together and barely communicate. We often end up in arguments without substance, which he blames me for starting.

I then apologize just to make peace. The relationship has become extremely draining and sometimes feels toxic.

I care for him very much, he’s a good guy, but just wants to spend time with his friends, stay home watching TV, or sleeping. He claims he has no energy to do anything because he’s “old.”

He says he loves me and wants to be with me, but he doesn’t like holding hands, isn’t affectionate and sex is routine.

His response to these issues is always, “here we go again,” which is dismissive and lacks respect for my feelings.

Should I go or should I stay? Is there more to this than what I’m seeing ?

Confused A There’s nothing confusing here, you’re just avoiding accepting the inevitable. The relationship had its best run for a year, and has settled into the reality of a mismatch.

He’s not going to change. Instead of being “old,” he’s just living like he’s single, not responding to you as a partner, not even in bed.

When you apologize

(for nothing) to keep the peace, you just demean yourself and give him licence to ignore your feelings and needs.

However, since you still care for him, you could try to explore why he’s so lacking in energy and interests beyond his pals, TV and sleep.

Could you both be missing that he’s actually depressed, or does he possibly have some private problems he’s keeping from you?

I suggest you raise the questions, even as I suspect it’ll only cause him to be dismissive and annoyed with you.

If so, then face what appears to be the major issue here: When a relationship is feeling toxic, it’s time to end it.

He’s spent six months showing you that he’s not worth you’re living with self-doubts, hurt feelings and frustration.

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