Woman needs to take risks

QMy close friend is a woman who looks 50, but is 63. She’s attractive, intelligent, fit and interesting. She had a very good job for years and now only takes on short-term contracts for a few clients.

Meanwhile, she keeps meeting and losing what I call “the same guy.” He’s always a good-looking man, early-60s, divorced, also fit and intelligent, usually retired and financially comfortable. He’s keenly interested in his golf and/or tennis game, attends sports events with his men friends, and enjoys periodic travel to warm destinations. Sometimes he invites her along, or they “meet up there” and she pays her own way.

Otherwise, they live apart but have weekend sleepovers that include sex. My friend, divorced long ago, says she’d like to be in a long-term committed relationship but this type of man usually only stays in the picture for 10 months.

She’s not looking for a free ride or to marry someone for security. Though independent, she’s a very warm person. She says she wants a partner whom she deeply likes and respects. But these limited relationships don’t become emotionally bonding.

What’s she doing wrong that only attracts such men?

Curious and Concerned

ATwo people similarly independent, self-sufficient and perhaps also wary from past experiences don’t really need each other.

The “same man” — set in his pattern — is clearly not driven by a desire for love and attachment, though he enjoys sex. (Nothing described suggests he also wants deeper “intimacy.”)

Instead, her male companions sound like they’ve “been there, done that” and are ready for someone new. Your friend needs to assess whether she can even handle a true-love relationship. It might mean allowing a man who has some “complications” into her life — for example, he might have less money than she has.

Or perhaps a man with a thirst for trying new experiences with her, such as adventure travel or living elsewhere, not the predictable routines of these other types (and her, too).

Or getting close with someone truly “different” from the rest, in diversity, background, experience.

Until she’s open to a companion unlike the others, she’s unlikely to find real partnership with the men she currently meets, dates and doesn’t hear from again after months of “same old.” As a friend, ask her what she’s willing to risk. ellie@thestar.ca.

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