Sister needs to cut ties with her ex
QMy younger sister’s boyfriend of five years (since late high school) began treating her poorly about a year ago.
My sister’s smart and was working hard at university, as was he, to hopefully get into medical school together. However, her boyfriend started to tell her she’d never reach her goal.
He said she didn’t have the brains or the right qualities — which he claimed he possessed — to become a doctor.
He undermined her self-confidence so badly she’d have crying fits and would miss classes some days.
She hid all this from our parents (I covered for her sometimes, because she swore me to secrecy lest they insist she leave school).
Finally, her boyfriend revealed that there “couldn’t be two doctors in his future household,” so he was breaking up with her.
Devastated at first, she recovered somewhat over the summer. She’s now back at school taking courses toward her goal.
Unfortunately he’s also there (they both live in their parents’ homes in our city), but she’s trying very hard to avoid and/ or ignore him. He still finds reasons to talk to her, suggesting they study together and collaborate on projects.
She’s seeking advice from me, as she feels our parents will overreact. What do you suggest?
Worried Sister
AShe’s lucky to have your strong support, and definitely needs it.
If at any time you feel she’s again in danger from this guy’s emotional abuse, gather all her support forces, including your parents and the university’s student services. She needs counselling to bolster her resistance to someone with whom she was close through many young years.
Under family consideration should be: 1) sending him a lawyer’s letter describing how he badgered her and risks being reported to the university and the police unless he ends all contact; 2) her changing schools for the courses she needs (if a move to another is possible and affordable); 3) getting a police restraining order against her ex-boyfriend if that becomes necessary.
Reader: Regarding the “lazy husband” who doesn’t want to help put kids to bed after his work day, or do household chores since his wife’s “the homemaker” who’s self-employed. When both people are working so much and raising kids it makes a lot of sense to get a housekeeper to come in once a week.
If he makes a fuss about the cost, she can tell him she has reached her physical capacity to keep up with it and needs help.
It doesn’t cost a fortune and will make their lives and relationship much better.
If their budget is tight, they should rework it. Most of us have so many “extras” we can do without (coffee from a shop, huge TV cable costs) that it’s very likely she can find a way to make the cost of weekly cleaning and laundry help work out within the budget.