Put teen daughter’s needs ahead of all other things

Q My separated wife of eight years recently informed me that she’s been in a long-distance relationship. I’m fine with that. However she’s invited him to move in with her.

We have shared custody without a formal agreement, due to her work schedule.

Our daughter is 14, sweet and innocent. She is autistic. She’s never met this man. As far as I know, my ex invited him without having had in-person contact.

She won’t divulge any information to me about his particulars. I’m gobsmacked! We’re two adults in our 50s not acknowledging a dangerous slippery slope of uncertainty regarding our daughter’s frail socialization. She’s highly influenced by the presence of adults in her life ... including the influence of any strangers in a small apartment. I’ve informed all our daughter’s support people and have started counselling for both of us.

A Head Shaker

a We can both only assume that she’s in a highly charged emotional relationship and throwing all caution to the wind. It’s unclear how much time your daughter lives with her versus with you, but your concerns for this sensitive young teen regarding her reaction to finding an unknown man living with her mom are realistic. You’re wise to have already started counselling for you both, to discuss this new situation with a professional’s guidance. You don’t want to put in your daughter’s mind your own feelings and fears as an adult and ex-husband.

Try to not overreact as it may cause your ex to shut you out, and you won’t be able to meet/ assess this man and form your own impressions.

Even if you have doubts about his character, let her start to see for herself that she’s moved too quickly to trust him … unless you sense danger, when you must protect your daughter immediately.

Q My wife of 30 years verbally abused me for the last 10 years. So, I left.

In court, the judge looked at me as if I’d been abusing her.

Now I have to give her $1,600 each month.

Where’s justice for men who are disrespected/verbally abused and can’t take it anymore? I’m 65 and can’t retire because I have to keep paying her until she’s 65.

How is that fair?

Unfair to Men

a No man or woman should suffer abuse from a partner. It’s understandable that you’d leave that situation.

However, the court case was about divorce, not abuse.

The law on marriage breakup where you live grants equal division of money/house etc. to both spouses, even if she didn’t work or earned less. The $1,600 monthly is the support money she requires until she receives her pension.

But you’re free of her abuse, which is what you needed most. That’s justice.

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