Structure is key to coping with kids’ cabin fever

Structure key to finding your family’s rhythm

It’s often been said that home is where the heart is and as social distancing measures continue in a bid to combat COVID -19, that’s never been truer. But just how do you spend 24/7 with your loved ones without losing your cool?

“Although a scary thing is happening in the world, there are some really good things about it,” says child and family therapist Jennifer Kolari of Connected Parenting in Toronto.

She points to families having dinner and playing board games together and kids talking to one another instead of just liking one another’s posts.

“Hopefully when this is all over, we will keep some of that with us.”

Of course, that doesn’t mean it will be all smooth sailing. Scroll through your social media feeds and you’ll find countless posts by parents joking about being with their children and partners around the clock.

“We’ve gone through the honeymoon stage, the storming phase and are now in the norming phase as families find their rhythm,” Kolari says.

Structure is important to finding that rhythm.

“When I’m working with my families, kids are saying they want structure. They love that. The day should have some texture. Otherwise, they get what I call ‘pyjama fever.’ They start looking for hits of adrenalin by bugging and irritating each other or starting up with you,” Kolari says. “If you don’t have structure and don’t build in time for your kids to have high octane play, they’re going to create it themselves and that’s where it gets crazy.”

Kolari recommends a schedule similar to the one your kids were accustomed to while attending school. That means waking up at the same time every weekday and includes study blocks similar in length to a classroom period, recesses and lunch.

Study blocks may include lessons and activities provided by your school as well as online resources, such as tours of Disney Land and museums that you organize in advance.

Study blocks don’t always have to involve schoolwork. Baking, for example, involves math and chemistry. Perhaps the kids can produce their own newscast.

“If you’re working from home, which a lot of parents are struggling with, I suggest kids have things they need to complete in a block,” says. “If you have the time to check in with them after a block and they’ve done what they need to do, they can be rewarded later. ‘Must dos’ before ‘can dos’ is one way to create structure.”

Kolari also recommends scheduling time for each of your kids to spend on their own.

“If you have a kid who can’t do this, start with five minutes and build up to 10, then 15 and then 20,” she says. “It’s not our job to entertain our kids. One of the biggest things we’ve lost and I’m hoping we get back during all of this is valuing imagination. Kids need to be able to entertain themselves, use their imaginations, build something or pretend something.”

When creating a structure, Kolari encourages parents to try to strike a balance — so not too regimented but not too lax, either. Having the right amount of structure and texture gives kids a sense of calm because they know what’s coming next. Committing that structure to paper and posting it where everyone can see makes it meaningful for kids, she adds. Another tip: divide and conquer. “Don’t have the kids doing their activities together all day long. Spread them out,” Kolari says. “If there are two parents working from home, one can take the kids for a while and the other gets a break or one takes one kid and one takes the other and then you switch.”

Kolari cautions against leaving the TV or radio on in the background and exposing your kids to too much information about something that’s already frightening.

“It doesn’t have it be part of every conversation with kids. It’s a huge thing in the world but you need to find moments where you’re looking for the best in things. Finding the beauty and simplicity in the good things can only help us all.”

We’ve gone through the honeymoon stage, the storming phase and are now in the norming phase as families find their rhythm.

IKEA A table and chair set ideal for fun crafts. It’s important children have structure and textures, says child and family therapist Jennifer Kolari, so they don’t fall into “pyjama fever.”

Giving children structure at home, like they get at school, is big during this time of self-isolation.

Giving your kids some time on their own is important.