Custody agreement isn’t working

Q My daughter divorced her husband several years ago. They each get their two teenage daughters half the time. It’s worked well for all concerned.

The older child, studying at university, had been home infrequently, but has recently returned because of the coronavirus situation.

Now, both daughters don’t want to spend that time with their father. He’s not been maligned by my daughter. The trouble is that he’s lazy.

He has social issues, is close to being a recluse and tends to flare up when the kids do something that displeases him.

When the girls visit, they do his grocery shopping, return to his house and stay with him for the allocated time.

They watch TV and movies. Any suggestions of other activity are rejected — no games, cooking, walking, skating, etc.

He won’t see a counsellor (suggested many times when my daughter was attempting to save their marriage).

The situation is worse now. The older daughter will be returning to university when the virus situation changes, but my younger granddaughter will still be dealing with her father for the next four years.

They’ve talked together and with their mother about speaking to their dad but haven’t worked up the courage to do so.

My daughter would be relieved if she had full custody, but is reluctant to interfere with her daughters’ relationship with their father.

She can’t discuss things with him as he cut her off, and all of her family, the day she left.

We know that he loves his daughters. But he’s a negative person and always has been.

If the girls decide they want to live with their mother, how does she go about it? She never used a lawyer, but had a mediator finalize the divorce. Concerned Grandmother

A Reality check: The 50-50 shared living arrangement between the divorced parents and their daughters is not “working well” or both daughters wouldn’t be trying to change it.

Also, the father has both social and anger issues, especially when his daughters want to change what activities are allowed in his space. Since you’re the one writing, I suspect your daughter is uncomfortable rocking the boat. Besides, he’s ended contact with her, which, again, is not a healthy situation in shared custody cases.

She needs legal advice. It may be that mediation services through family court can again be the answer to resolving this issue. But there will still be counselling needs for the two daughters who are upset now and may feel later guilt about abandoning their father. They may also feel that he has effectively abandoned them by his disinterest in their social needs.

Show this to your daughter and support her in facing up to this situation as soon as possible. ellie@thestar.ca