MOTHERHOOD ISSUES
For mothers like Rita Carter, with sons Amari, left, and Tefiro and puppy Bieber, kids are a joyful blessing, but a pandemic can complicate things, Lynn Saxberg writes.
Jessica Ruano intends to introduce her adopted daughter, Joy, to all of the friends, family members and activities that make up a rewarding life, and make sure she stays connected to her Inuit roots.
They’ve had a good start. In the first few months of the year, the baby girl accompanied her outgoing mom to a theatre performance, concert, board meeting and fundraiser, to name a few of their outings, as well as regular visits to an Inuktituk-language playgroup.
“I want her to have that pluralistic experience of meeting different people and seeing different things,” said Ruano over the phone, Joy cooing and gurgling in the background. “The first two months we were going out every day. I’m just one person, but my philosophy toward parenting is I want her to be influenced by lots of people, like a real community feel.”
With Mother’s Day coming up on Sunday, Ruano is one of three Ottawa moms this newspaper interviewed to find out what it’s like to care for an infant during a global health crisis. On top of the usual challenges of feeding, diaper changes and sleeplessness, mothers are facing a raft of other stressors, including financial uncertainty, daycare anxiety, work pressure and the ongoing grind of isolation.
For Ruano, the pandemic has put a stop to almost all of their excursions, and she’s adjusted her routine to include plenty of long walks around the neighbourhood and online visits with friends and family.
Still, as she prepares for her first Mother’s Day as a mother, the 33-year-old couldn’t be happier.
“I feel that she brought me so much joy even before she was born,” says the Ottawa playwright, director and producer.
“She’s incredibly motivating. She gets me up in the morning and is full of smiles.
“In addition to the gift of being able to be a parent, I think she’s actually motivating me to do creative and beautiful things for myself as well.”
Among the projects in the works is a memoir that tells the story of Ruano’s life before the adoption. She’d had a couple of relationships with partners who had children, and realized she wanted a child in her life who wouldn’t go away with a breakup. She initially approached the Children’s Aid Society, completing their training and had a report prepared on her suitability as a solo parent.
Then friends of friends who were adoptive parents heard that a baby in Nunavut might be up for adoption in January. Ruano got in touch, and became acquainted with the expectant parents by messaging online. The parents and their two-year-old daughter decided to travel to Ottawa for the birth and to meet Ruano in person.
All went well, and the baby, born Jan. 16, went home with Ruano, who named her to reflect the joy she brings — and to maintain the family tradition of names that start with J.
It’s an open adoption in that Ruano sends photos and updates to the birth parents, and refers to them as anaana and ataata — mom and dad in Inuktitut. She’s learning the language, too, and will raise Joy to have strong ties with her culture.
“Ottawa is actually a great place to raise an Inuk child because there are a lot of resources here, like community centres and the playgroup,” she says. “It’s a shame we’ve had to stop going.”
Their first Mother’s Day together will be a celebratory occasion. Joy is a happy baby who delighted her mom with her first laughter this week. “Her laugh is so funny,” says Ruano. “It sounds like a chortle. I can’t even imitate it. She makes me laugh a lot.”
Rita Carter is dreading going back to work. Her maternity leave runs out at the end of the month, and the 33-year-old mom is expected to resume her administrative duties with the federal public service.
She likes her job, but because of the pandemic, there’s no daycare for baby Tefiro and no school for her older son, who’s six. And if she has to work remotely, she isn’t sure where she will set up her office in a home shared with her husband, the children and a puppy named Bieber.
“I want to feel like I’m doing the best I can as a mom and a partner to keep the family afloat,” she says, “but right now, I’m thinking about the fact that I have to go back to work soon and I don’t know what that’s going to look like.”
She’s one of more than 4,000 Canadian mothers to sign a change. org petition calling for an extension of up to six months to maternity and parental leave benefits during the pandemic. Parents haven’t been able to socialize their babies during the lockdown, the petition notes, and the sudden separation anxiety could be detrimental to the child’s development.
“We are struggling with the idea of sending our children into someone else’s care, and whether it is even really safe from the virus,” the petition reads. “An extended leave will give parents and their new babies a chance to reintegrate into society as restrictions slowly lift.”
Carter’s little guy, whose first birthday is May 28, is definitely a mama’s boy. “He is attached,” she says. “He still sleeps in the bed with us and it’s hard to wean him off breastfeeding. He doesn’t want to take a bottle. He’s an easy baby in the sense that he’s very happy, but he’s attached to mama so it’s going to be tough.”
Carter, a singer-songwriter and recording artist, is also having a hard time finding the time and space to work on the album she planned to release this year. And she’s missing her stress-relieving workouts at the gym.
But she’s counting her blessings, too, and finding solace in music (including the latest by Ottawa hip-hop artist City Fidelia).
“We have a roof over our heads. We have food every day. We’re healthy, and we have a great time,” she said. “There are great moments, and that’s important. I’m trying to look on the bright side. I know that this will pass. It has to.”
With the Canada-U.S. border closed because of the COVID-19 pandemic, Tristann Parchment’s baby girl, born April 1, has not yet met her father.
“My daughter has her father and other loved ones in the U.S. who can’t come and see her and help me out,” says the 28-year-old, who’s on maternity leave from her job at a major retailer. “Although I do have my family, he’s the father. He’d like to come over and see his daughter. It’s very frustrating.”
Parchment and baby Isla live with her parents, sister, brother and sister-in-law. Her mother is a personal-support worker who works in a seniors home. Despite the multi-generational household, the lockdown is a challenge.
“I feel very isolated, I’m not going to lie,” Parchment says. “I’m an outside person, I like to be outside. Just the fact that I had to stay in for two weeks, and before that I had a hip injury so I wasn’t able to walk or move — that was very frustrating. I’m starting to slowly take walks and stuff but it takes a toll on you just being inside for so long.”
The new mom also faced a lengthy wait, almost four months, for her sick-leave and maternity benefits to come through. To make ends meet when she couldn’t get through on the phone to find out what was happening with her claim, her partner suggested she start a GoFundMe campaign.
“The support was amazing,” she said. “I was so happy I did it because I was so stressed out financially. I also got support from non-profits like Equal Chance, who sent boxes of groceries and toiletries and diapers and wipes.”
There are plans for cake on Mother’s Day, and of course, some quality time with the new addition to the family.
“She’s really a blessing,” Parchment said. “She came at a funny time, a chaotic time, but she’s very sweet. I’m just happy that she’s healthy and everything went well during her birth. Motherhood is something very new for me. I’m learning.”
She’s really a blessing. She came at a funny time, a chaotic time, but she’s very sweet.