Longtime friendship may be over
Q My closest friend from high school and I kept in contact (we’re now both in our mid40s), but I now doubt our friendship can continue.
She was from a different city, full of spirit and fun. We became instant besties.
We went to different colleges, we each got married and had children. We managed to visit each other or meet somewhere with our children every few years.
During a very tough period, she suffered a lot of personal losses — her grandmother, her father, and tragically, her brother. I’d listen for long periods of time when she would call me and cry. Just when she seemed to recover from all the grief, her marriage ended. I kept in contact and supported her any way I could.
When a younger man came into her life, she seemed very happy. We were both busy with jobs and growing teenagers.
During the pandemic, we emailed several times. Suddenly, she stopped responding. I arranged a virtual date to catch up. She didn’t join the “meeting.”
When I called worried that she or someone close had contracted COVID-19, she emailed me that she had arranged with her partner for a threesome sex date that evening.
I went silent. She immediately said that I was being judgmental. (I wasn’t, I was just hurt at her disregard for my concern.)
She launched into a lecture on polyamory as a healthy way to be loving and intimate with more than one person, and that it’s made her current relationship better than that with her ex who had cheated repeatedly.
I said I only minded that she showed no respect for our friendship. I also said I was surprised at her taking health risks of having sex with people who had other close contacts.
She now keeps calling, trying to convince me that I’m only angry because I am prejudiced against her lifestyle. She insists that I’m only acting so hurt because of my intolerance. What do you think?
End of a Friendship?
A It obviously still matters to you that she doesn’t acknowledge that you were so worried about her. It’s also obvious that her change of lifestyle, especially at this time, has disturbed you.
What’s sadly apparent too, is that she still looks to you for approval. But by ignoring your actions of reaching out to her when you were worried, she put enough distance on the friendship to set up this divide.
Polyamory had gained committed followers before the coronavirus arrived. For its adherents, having intimate relationships with more than one partner with the informed consent of all partners involved, means “consensual, ethical and responsible non-monogamy.”
During this time of virus, risks are greater. It’s wiser therefore to practice polyamory on video dates, or private chat rooms rather than in person. Still, that’s her business, not yours.
I believe you were shocked at her choice as much as worried. Own that reaction to be honest with yourself, even if this friendship fades.
Your friend had very different experiences from you — tragedy, losses and a husband’s deceit. Move on from any hurt or anger. Either keep up some contact, or gently distance if you feel you must.
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