I won’t be shopping in your store

The new retail rules treat me like I’m toxic waste, L.D. Cross says.

As COVID-19 cases rise and fall, I am not staying away because I am afraid. I am staying away because you make it a hassle to shop. You welcome me back by treating me like nuclear waste.

You make me line up outside while mandating non-medical masks; fumigate merchandise I touch; spray the change room; wipe counters I pass; and hate handling cash.

These are the laws and bylaws because chambers of commerce and retailers in all provinces failed to engage early on with those securely paid and pensioned elite bureaucrats who turned COVID -19 from a predicament into a panic.

You accepted being labelled “non-essential,” failed to make a unified stay-open pitch and are now relegated to the role of Stasi enforcers of retail behaviours.

I know you did not dream these rules up yourself, but governments stiffed you with enforcing them and I am opting out. An open economy is the key to physical and fiscal survival for everyone. You acquiesced to the shutdown and so here we are.

Like typical submissive Canadians, chambers of commerce and retailers chose to obey without question as we all pointed self-righteously to the United States, where we little people cannot travel unless we become members of a pro sports league.

I am not arguing with you. I am simply not shopping at your store. You made your choice and I made mine. I am enjoying life physically removed from stores. Call it my version of retail distancing.

First, I don’t need to shop. My closets are overflowing. My house is furnished. The dictatorial doctors and panicked politicians who shut down your business showed me I can live well without shopping. Other activities work better for me.

Second, I can order online from Amazon.com (not .ca because the adjusted prices aren’t competitive) and from unique U.S. outlets such as Land’s End or LL Bean. I order my groceries online and pick them up outside or, even better, have them delivered. Pharmacies deliver for free.

I have now become accustomed to these arrangements and I like them. They make it easy for a customer to buy. You make it difficult with your paranoid in-person, in-store routines.

However, no need to worry about your bottom line. Statistics Canada reports that retail sales surged 18.7 per cent in May. Enjoy.

There are three kinds of potential customers: those cowering at home who will never feel safe no matter what you do; those who accept the new abnormal; and those, like me, who see this overreaction for the autocratic power grab it is.

And now we are mandated to wear cloth masks which were originally deemed unnecessary? As Royal Canadian Air Farce character Jock McBile said, “Get Stuffed!”

I wear a medical-grade mask in medical facilities, but “coronaccessory” masks give a false sense of security against a virus that is not too serious for most people. The truly vulnerable, the elderly, infirm and those packed four to a room in long-term-don’tcare homes, need a lot more.

But my no-retail shopping decision has boosted my bank account. I cannot believe the thing has plumped up so fast. I have gone from spender to saver in five months. Thanks thousands.

Call me selfish? You bet. Just like you. You want me to embrace your irrational rules while I spend my money in your store. Not happening. What is happening is you will stay away from me and I will stay away from you. Perfect solution. That way, I won’t infect you and you won’t infect me. It doesn’t matter who mandated these COVID-19 commercial commandments. You are enforcing them. Stay well.

Physical distancing works. Everything else is dress-up theatre with disinfectant special effects.

L.D. Cross is an Ottawa non-fiction writer of lifestyle articles and books in the Amazing Stories series about unique aspects of Canadian history.