LOVE CAN FLOURISH WITH UNDERSTANDING

Q I'm a single male, 34, living and working away from my family. I'm at a turning point over my future.

I've been doing postgraduate studies in the medical field and working part time.

Now I'm thinking about switching to a more practical, needed occupation as an essential health worker. The pandemic has made me want to be part of those who help others through this kind of health crisis.

Also, I've met a woman very different from my family's background. I've developed strong feelings for her.

Our basic values are the same. She fully supports my switch to a different path of study and work.

But I wonder if I'm being carried away with the romance of it all — me as the hero with a lover at my side.

How can I make sure that

I'm making the right decisions, though they'll create a new set of challenges?

Mid-30s Turning Point

A If possible, visit your closest support people (parents/best friend?) and bring your girlfriend. Or contact them virtually online, discuss your switch in work interest on its own. Then also introduce your love interest.

Those steps will give you, and them, awareness of how strongly you're determined about your feelings and plans.

If they try to dissuade you from any of your decisions, that's actually helpful too, because it'll push you to be very sure that you can handle these changes in your life.

Meanwhile, look into what's needed to make the studying and job-seeking moves required. It may take more time than you imagined or be less complicated than you think, especially since your postgrad studies were already in the medical field.

Also, ask to meet your girlfriend's family. They may need to be assured that you're serious about her, and committed to a shared life despite any mutual adjustments needed on behalf of background differences.

So long as you're both certain of the love you share, and both willing and capable of compromising, you'll then have an idea of family reactions, and of personal strength/willingness to meet any challenges.

Reader: Regarding the woman whose in-laws have frozen out her immediate family, including their grandchildren.

Echoes of my own experience were numerous and loud, right down to exclusion from a large family event. My heart aches for this woman and her husband, and especially for the innocent children. Your advice was spoton. The role of the parents in such a dynamic is pivotal. The pain of such rejection is deep and visceral, and skilled counselling is a must for this couple and their children.

It's a testament to their character and long-term, generous efforts that they stayed connected to their in-laws for as long as they did.

You wrote: “The bitterness will stain all members except those who recognize they must walk away.” How tragic. How true.