Nephew's needs trump those of best friend

Q My brother's girlfriend has been my best friend since we were 14. She was always around. By 20, he was taking her for granted, which she accepted, even when I knew he went out drinking and picking up girls.

He got a good job and at 24 was making decent money, so she wanted to get married. He let her dream of it, then one day he just disappeared.

He sent my parents a message that he was OK and not to worry. He didn't contact anyone else. My friend was relieved he was OK and assumed he'd come back to her.

My other brother then discovered he'd had a baby with another woman. I let him tell my friend because I couldn't.

My question: There's a baby boy related to us living not far away. I'm feeling a need to be that baby's aunt. I found the mother's number and called her. She's a single mom, and said she knows my brother is not going to live with her, so she welcomes anyone who's family to her son.

Am I being a horrible friend to the woman my brother abandoned if I visit this baby and his mom? Do I tell my friend?

Aunt or Best Friend?

A Your heart and your mind are working together, not in conflict.

The desire to embrace a fatherless baby boy as family is who you are — caring about people, especially those you can help.

And you care about your best friend. You were too loyal a sister to disclose his behaviour with other girls, but you're all adults now. He's gone, she's still close to you, and the baby and his mother also need your heartfelt interest.

Your brother's future is unknown but right now you have a nephew to care about. Tell your friend and hope she understands.

Q I was in an extremely abusive marriage for 10 years. One night, we had to leave our home and city because my husband demanded it. I couldn't say goodbye to my family or explain to them why.

He forced me to block their phone numbers and Facebook messages, and disappear.

I eventually divorced him but was still living in a shell.

I didn't leave sooner because we had custody of my now ex-stepson. I couldn't leave him with such a violent father.

Several months ago, my sister contacted me through my now-boyfriend. She coldly said my mother had brain cancer. She was very angry toward me. I didn't learn my mother has passed until two weeks later.

At 43, I have no idea how to deal with my mother's death.

Did she know that I still loved her, that the things that happened were out of my control? How can I get closure?

Still in Pain

A Ongoing grief isn't surprising after your traumatic loss, especially after being harshly told about your dying mother. There's grief counselling available through every faith centre, and you don't have to be a regular member to get pastoral counselling. You'll find an experienced, empathetic counsellor, usually at an affordable cost.