TRY REACHING OUT TO YOUR SIBLINGS
Q I'm a successful businesswoman in my 40s, happily married to my equally successful husband, and we have two children. The problem is my siblings. They haven't achieved the same level of success. There is a lot of resentment toward us because of this. There are constant little digs at family get-togethers, comments that we spoil our children, that we can afford a big house and go on luxurious holidays. There's even the expectation that we should pay more than our fair share for restaurant outings, and for the retirement home expenses for our parents. How do we get them to stop giving us a rough time about our success? Self-Made Couple
A With such good fortune, even when acquired through hard work, a generous spirit of understanding goes nicely with the territory. Your siblings envy you. If they had made a fortune and you hadn't, you might also wish your house was roomier, your vacations more upscale. Don't get me wrong, if they had written me with judgmental commentaries on your lifestyle, I wouldn't respond that it's acceptable.
I'd say, as I do to you: Siblings can do better than this.
In many families where one couple becomes the most prosperous, they often use their gracious home as a gathering point keeping siblings and your children's cousins closely connected.
Some affluent people regularly open their homes to Thanksgiving celebrations, milestone-birthday parties within a circle of close relatives. I agree that its off-putting to have family members accuse you of spoiling your children ... but perhaps, with an inability to indulge their own kids on special occasions, you can afford, realistically-speaking, to let it pass.
Now for the big issue — the retirement home expenses of your parents.
The one thing the older generation needs most is security. A well-run retirement home that provides clean private rooms, healthy meals, and good supervision from staff, is the greatest gift you can all provide if your parents need to rely on financial support from the children they raised. If your siblings can only afford so much ... and if you can afford more ... why is that expectation a surprise?
I'm not suggesting that you should be more responsible than the others, but that you should do the best you can.
It would be wrong for your siblings to demand that you give more, but logical if there's a need of your parents that they can't meet but believe you can.
From what you've written, this divide between you and your siblings has just been allowed to grow — adding to mutual resentment.
Instead, invite them over (socially distanced, preferably outside, or online if necessary, to be safer during the pandemic).
Reach out with goodwill and rise above any comments you'd have formerly bristled at.
Show interest in their lives and that of their children. Focus on any positives that are mentioned.
Remember this: Envy is born from someone's personal frustration/discontent with themselves. It's more about them, than you. All the more reason you can afford to be understanding.