Limiting kids' screen time isn't easy
This column contains zero U.S. politics, but it's controversial and guilt-inducing anyway. It's about kids and what screens are doing to their brain.
I recently watched the Netflix docudrama The Social Dilemma, a sort of Reefer Madness for the 21st century. The film depicts how social media is detrimental to society and individuals through its manipulation of our emotions. Actually, I'm exaggerating. The 1936 antidrug clunker was, it turns out, overly dramatic about the effects of marijuana on humans.
Our phones and tablets, on the other hand, are more addictive than cocaine, says Dr. Michael Cheng, child psychiatrist at CHEO, in a documentary that airs on CBC Nov. 13.
Cue scary music.
In Kids vs. Screens, we hear that by the age of 12, half the kids in the United States have used social media, a number we have no reason to believe is much different in Canada. In 2019, those kids aged eight to 12 were on their devices nearly five hours a day, not counting school work. Teenagers' numbers are — you can see me coming from a mile — much more alarming.
And that was before the pandemic. Now those numbers are no doubt much higher because, among other things, kids can't see their friends in person. I confess mine are on their screens more than I'm comfortable with. But at the same time, as my teen put it to me one evening when I commented somewhat tersely that perhaps 9:30 p.m. wasn't a good time to be texting anyone, sometimes friends are going through rough moments outside of business hours and “you can't ask me to abandon them.”
I didn't. Between principles and empathy, I know which way to go.
I reached out to Cheng to see what practical advice he has for us parents now that we're in month 451 of social deprivation and kids cooped up at home with siblings they dearly love except for when they want to kill each other.
Being able to escape to your own space is crucial. Chatting, playing a collaborative game with friends, drawing on your tablet or watching Netflix are — for lack of better options — pretty attractive to everyone right now.
Cheng gets it. We have to accept that during the pandemic our kids are probably going to be using more screens, he concedes. However, “we need to remember what our kids need for mental health.” This includes plenty of sleep, at least one hour a day spent outside and healthy nutrition. Also? Genuine connection, belonging and meaning. Generally speaking, the less screen time, the better. “Ideally with a two-hour maximum recreational screen time per day.” Tall order, that.
When in doubt, Cheng says, ask yourself whether your kids are doing OK. “Are they generally calm, content, and happy with life? If so, then wonderful. Try your best to follow the guidelines.” If not, you may need to intervene. He suggests waiting until you are calm, then thinking about the rules or limits you'd like to see. Discuss with your child and, assuming you come to an agreement, make a plan for making those changes.
He highly recommends parental controls, which wouldn't work with my kids, who seem to have inherited a certain stubbornness and ability to argue very efficiently from somewhere or other. But hey, passing it along.
Try to avoid getting angry and suddenly making a no-screen edict on the spot. “People enjoy their easy dopamine and get upset when you yank it away from them suddenly.” Think how you'd feel if some evil person made your morning coffee disappear without warning just as you were savouring it.
In the end, Cheng says our overriding concern should be to “treat our kids with kindness and compassion.” I would add: And yourself, too.
Parenting is hard at the best of times and this isn't the best of times. We need to listen to science, but cut ourselves and our kids a little slack. Family life isn't politics.