Family fight needs to end for dad's sake
Q I am a middle child. My older sister had financial issues and moved in with my younger sister — both unmarried.
All was well. They decided to get a dog. Several years later, “older sister” has moved in with her boyfriend. The sisters worked out a “custody” agreement for the dogs (now two of them). Then, older sister suddenly decided that one dog wasn't coping well while the dog was at younger sister's home (she also has several cats). When “younger sister” went to pick up the dog, she was denied the dog. A nasty fight erupted and older sister's boyfriend got involved.
“Younger” showed up at a next-day veterinary appointment for the held-back dog and took the dog from her sister.
Another yelling match occurred. Older sister called the police, falsely claimed her sister assaulted her. She also called animal welfare authorities, accusing her of animal abuse and housing too many pets (not true, and potentially harmful to younger sister's job status).
She's cut contact with older sister. I've told both that they screwed up and suggested counselling to get beyond this incident, to no avail.
Our terminally ill father is terribly upset. I feel both sisters are watching me to see whose side I'm on.
How can I get them to meet and find a peaceful resolution to bring harmony back to our family?
Middle of a Mess
A This ugly split was more about self-serving siblings than their pets.
They've ignored their father's severe illness — this, during a pandemic dangerous to frail seniors.
Declare that you fault them both for dividing your family when their father needs everyone's care and comfort.
Take charge. Insist that they each talk separately to a family counsellor. The goal: A sane resolution (not a two-against-one approach that includes one side's boyfriend).
It'll expose how stubborn and childish they're behaving at a time when family life for all three sisters is facing a sad loss.
Reader: Regarding the woman who was ghosted by her boyfriend after a seven-month relationship. As a registered psychotherapist, I usually find your advice helpful and insightful. Today, too, I agree with most of what you suggested to this writer.
When someone's still profoundly impacted by an event from six years ago, she obviously cannot deal with it herself. Long-lasting emotional impacts don't resolve with well-meaning logic.
You did tell her to seek therapy if she cannot resolve this on her own.
However, she might've thought this meant she should've been able to see/resolve this logically. That could place “guilt” on her.
Everyone does not need psychotherapy for every trauma or painful event.
However, when it's been impacting their life for many years, the best and fastest way to release themselves from it is to seek professional support.
ELLIE'S TIP OF THE DAY
When embattled siblings refuse peacemaking, show them the emotional and health impacts they are having on other family members.