Skeptical partner needs help

Q My wife has a serious jealous streak. It was at its peak last summer, in the midst of the lockdown, when friends invited us to a backyard gathering.

If I chatted too long with the wife, mine would change the topic. It's got worse, though we never visit with people now — except online.

Her distrust of me emerged early in our marriage.

My wife had joined a women's group and was befriended by someone she met there.

She only mentioned her by her first name, so I never knew that her “friend” was a former co-worker of mine with whom I'd had a very brief fling. It happened three years before I met my wife, but the woman had borne a grudge after I ended things. I hadn't realized how far she would take her anger.

One night my wife returned from her meeting all flushed and angry. Her “friend” had disclosed our “affair.”

I was single then. We had been intimate for only a few weeks before I ended it because I found she would repeatedly check on where I was and even stalked me one weekend.

I told my wife all this.

But her reaction on finding that I had formerly had sex with her “close” friend was beyond reason.

She said I was “scum” to her and she “can never trust me again.”

I apologized, swore my love and said she need never worry about me. I love her and I love our family (two children).

Eventually she stopped raising it on a daily basis and we reconnected sexually — but not often.

Now she's withdrawn again, since last summer's get-togethers with friends. It's hard on me to keep trying to assure her that nothing's going on outside of the life we have together.

When do I give up and pull the plug on this marriage?

Or will that just prove to her that I must have had someone else waiting? I don't, by the way.

Lonely Husband

A It's a situation that's equally hard on both of you. Even though your wife can be described as extreme in her jealousy and distrust, she's still suffering deeply within herself.

There's a reason for this which you don't know. It may come from some hurt in her past.

But unless she opens up about it or seeks counselling, there's no change likely.

Unless you step forward to get some professional insights.

Talk to a psychologist online to discuss possible reasons for your wife's extreme distrust. Then, without blaming her, tell her you're seeking to understand her feelings so you two can be happy together.

She may enter into the discussions if the therapist agrees. Or pursue the counselling on her own.

It's certainly worth a try.