Wife needs to regain her self-confidence before moving on

Q I'm losing it in my marriage. My now wife was the first girl I met on the internet, eight years ago. Several dates later, she stayed over. I had to work the next morning, so I gave her my key to lock up.

We started living together but after a while of her yelling at me whenever I went out and constant accusations of cheating, I asked her to move out. She refused. I began to drink more. When I tried to break up, she'd threaten to inform my parents that I was a heavy drinker. She kept refusing my suggestions that she should leave. She was in school so I didn't want to impact her education by insisting. When she finished school, it was a good time to end it, but she'd bought herself an engagement ring.

She experienced many lows throughout the next couple of years — being in a bad workplace and then getting caught innocently in the midst of a street shooting which killed two people and wounded others.

Her wedding planning gave her something to focus on and distract her. She couldn't accept that I didn't want to get married and even threatened to harm herself.

Now I'm miserable and don't know what to do. We're incompatible. She's very anxious about the world; I'm adventurous and social. I am accused of always putting her down and not understanding her.

Married and Miserable

A Step 1: Go to a website with a list of online experts who can diagnose whether post-traumatic stress disorder is what's affecting her, and counsel you both about her anxiety. She needs help to build self-confidence and trust others.

Step 2: Stop excusing your inaction and urge her to find someone to counsel her individually.

From the earliest days, you've unintentionally added to her insecurity by caving to her moving in, drinking to avoid discussion, hiding from serious confrontation and marrying against your own wishes.

But now you recognize the effects of her terrifying exposure to gun violence. This isn't only about your unhappiness. Help her deal with her anxieties, so she can handle her daily life and become able to face the future.

Once she can regain self-confidence, she may also recognize that you're not the right partner for her.