Good and bad habits can come from parents
Q My friend is getting divorced again. I met her when she was newly married to her husband, when they were both in their late 20s. He was selling real estate while she was training at the same firm.
She was soon selling more than he was, yet he was the showy, confident one. They seemed very happy, but after two children, she rose in the business and he levelled off. He had an affair. They split up.
My friend was devastated.
But she's very attractive and plenty of guys were eager to date her. When I met her second husband, I saw that he wanted her to be at his side every minute. I thought it must feel overwhelming, but said nothing.
My friend became more successful while also raising two very nice children. But this husband complained about her work hours and became suspicious about other men, even though she worked from home. He recently moved in with his ex-girlfriend and my friend started divorce proceedings.
When I asked why she put up with his jealousy and demands for so long, she answered, “I thought I had to be good at everything, including marriage, but I wasn't good enough for him.”
I know that her (alcoholic) mother was divorced by her father, then lived with an abusive partner. I also know that she told her daughter (then 18) to “never trust” a man.
But she's now a smart and successful woman! Is there a “pattern” of being affected by a mother's mistakes?
Second Strike Out
A Everyone is affected in some way by their parents' examples.
Adult children of alcoholics are particularly vulnerable to longterm effects from this “family disease,” which often results in offspring having issues of abandonment, among others.
Says psychotherapist Ann Dowsett Johnston, who has an online women-only practice with Ontario-based clients, “This is a complex issue that can only be `unpacked' in therapy.”
It's not clear why both men left your friend. She may be good at the courting stage, but may have some “buttons” that can be pushed in a marriage, such as being overly sensitive, retreats from issues, or, conversely, is overly demanding.
Johnston urges counselling for this woman. As a close friend, raise the suggestion gently without any hint of wrongly blaming her. You can also offer suggestions specifically for people who've been affected by alcoholism, such as your friend attending meetings of Al-Anon groups for family and friends of alcoholics, or Adult Children of Alcoholics, and/or Alcoholics Anonymous.
Mention, too, She Recovers Foundation, an organization that seeks to empower women in their recovery regarding mental health issues and addiction.
I particularly liked Johnston's metaphor for therapy helping people see they're “stepping on a rake” in the midst of problems, until the handle hits them on the head with helpful changes they can make.