Counselling can help with give-and-take of married life
Q My wife of 10 years and I both have good jobs and chose not to have children right away so we could enjoy our free time. Now, we have a five-year-old girl and a two-year-old boy. My aunt babysits while we're at work and is great with our kids. Since we increased our home life, our relationship has changed because we're very different. I'm exhausted after work and just want to relax with the kids, eat dinner, watch some TV and go to sleep. My wife wants to discuss her work day as soon as we're together. She is also bossy about what's good or bad for the kids regarding even playtime with me, then constantly raises what she considers my faults.
I agreed to counselling for each of us because I love our children. But I still feel like my wife's trying to direct everything between us and thinks that I am failing at it all. What should I do?
Separate lives
A Talk to the counsellor about dealing with you two together sometimes, not always separately. While he/she may be giving each of you insights about yourselves, you also need to recognize the pitfalls during the shared parts of your life, for example playtime with children and private time as a couple.
It sounds like the latter's being largely ignored, leading to less affection and emotional support. It's not enough to just be there.
Now, you both need professional help to develop the giveand-take of living and parenting as equal partners.
Q I'm a single, childless, never-married woman, age 60. I feel very alone though lucky — retired with a pension; I have friends and get along with my family. I may be too independent, yet feel needy. I've made mistakes in my past relationships so perhaps it's my fault.
If a man likes me then I don't like him or maybe I don't see it. I've tried online dating without luck. I'm a good person and funny, but don't feel as attractive as I once did. I've seen a social worker and it helped a little.
I also have Crohn's disease, which sometimes means I have to suddenly stay close to a bathroom. This is apparently the reason my last partner left. Physical intimacy is scary because of this. Do I just give up on finding a partner?
Alone at 60
A Don't give up on yourself. It seems likely your Crohn's disease (a type of inflammatory bowel disease) has affected your self-confidence in the dating world. You know what medications work best for you, what foods to avoid. But you need a support system that understands the experience of having Crohn's. Find an online group through the doctor who treats you or through a Crohn's and Colitis Association.
It'll bring a network of new contacts. Build on these virtually during the pandemic and you'll be feeling more confident and less needy in the relationship area. That's the point of not giving up and refreshing your best self which, by the way, is what makes people feel as attractive as they are.
Forget age as a deterrent to finding a relationship. It's a fact of life today that people are living active social and romantic lives into at least their 80's.