Marriage won't likely survive racist attitudes

Q I'm an African-American woman and respected professor married to a great man. My husband, “A,” is a white male who never graduated from high school. Like his brother, “B,” he works as a coal miner. Despite never bringing it up, he is very jealous that I make much more money than he does.

My father-in-law is a Christian minister and insisted that the entire family meet in person despite COVID-19. Our Christmas gathering was a disaster.

My brother-in-law got drunk. He called me the N-word when I disagreed with his belief that homosexuality is a deviant choice. They were livid that I hadn't supported Donald Trump's re-election effort. When I wouldn't apologize, they agreed that “B” didn't owe me an apology.

I love my husband, but he and his family don't seem to understand racism and my right to support who I wish in an election.

I want to start a family. How can I save my marriage?

Coal Miner's Wife

A I cannot imagine you being able to sustain a lasting commitment to a marriage with someone who doesn't “get” racism when it's directed at his spouse.

This is a core issue from gut to heart and brain, and one of the most important calls to justice of our time.

There's no acceptable excuse for a racial slur, neither from a drunk brother-in-law, nor from a husband who doesn't denounce his brother's offensive comment, which he knows is insulting and denigrating to your heritage.

The evidence that this brotherin-law also has other ignorant prejudices regarding homosexuality, and that all three men are polar opposites to you regarding political leanings, also doesn't speak well for a peaceful future within your marriage.

Imagine hearing that slur regarding your future children from the man who'd become their uncle.

If your husband is truly a “great man” in his basic character and his love for you, you need to help him see that his family's attitudes are harmful to your union.

He's unlikely to be able to change the ingrained views of his brother and father, but he must insist that they respect you. If that means that he has to choose sides, his answer must be clear to you, soon.

Other potential conflict factors in your marriage stem from very different educational backgrounds, employment and earnings.

However, these differences are NOT necessarily a deterrent to a good relationship. Rather, they can add insight, depth and a broader life experience to both partners. But it's not possible without the bond of mutual respect.