Married couples have different ways of dealing with cheating
Q My wife of eight years has caused me extreme pain and distrust. Six years ago, I had a promotion and was working long hours, returning home exhausted. During that time, my wife's job contract ended. She was alone a lot, bored and resented my absences.
She decided to visit her best friend and left for three weeks. I was happy for her. She returned more understanding of my work. My wife was hired for another job, then a year later became pregnant and stayed home to raise our kids. They're now aged four and two.
She's become very busy and stressed but revealed that when she'd visited her friend, she had a fling with that woman's brother whom she had met years before.
I'm shocked, hurt and have no idea how to handle it. Did she have him in mind when she left? Was it a continuation of a past attraction between them which may repeat in future? I've loved her dearly right until this revelation. Now I'm not sure I can forgive or trust her again. But I don't want our children to suffer from this.
Shocked Husband
A Her sudden confession was intended to shock. Your first questions should be whey she did it and why tell you now. Is he someone she still yearns for? Is this anger about being “stuck” at home while you have a separate life at work?
Over years of such letters from readers I've learned this: Some would call it a cry for help. Or, a stupid outburst that makes both spouses equally miserable.
Tell her the immediate consequences: You can't trust her and might not ever forgive her. You're unsure if the love you felt for her will ever be possible again. Some couples facing such dramatic crossroads find the will and the courage to try to repair the damage and rebuild their life together. Others immediately separate. Some try solutions such as the mother returning to work with the help of a babysitter. Some part, then later try again, having missed what they lost. Many get counselling which can be helpful. Let her information settle a while. The answers about how to deal with it will become clearer.
Q My friend and I have been close for a decade and our children are similar ages. But we've handled pandemic decisions differently.
I'm cautious but not extreme. I live in the suburbs with lots of open spaces. Yet even when restaurants opened outdoors, our family ate at home. She lives in a crowded neighbourhood. They order their groceries and never go to food stores. I shop in uncrowded stores in early hours. My kids are encouraged to run or bike in open spaces, hers can only go for socially-distanced walks with a parent. Recently, her conversation with me sounded judgmental, questioning decisions. How do I handle this? Uncomfortable
A When it comes to fear of COVID-19 or its variants affecting a family, everyone has their own reaction. Most people hopefully read the experts' opinions and try not to just react against restrictions. No one likes being cloistered at home all the time. But no one wants to risk themselves or their loved ones either. Make no harsh judgments.