People need to be valued, not used

Q I'm a retired, successful man in excellent health and considered attractive.

I had a long marriage, but my wife died several years ago. My children are now adults. After several years, I met a lovely woman a few years younger than me. We were great together for half a dozen years, enjoying travel together, my cottage, my winter condo and my home.

However, she suddenly decided we should just be “friends,” so as I get older, she won't be stuck caring for me. She ended our time together. Yet she keeps constantly in touch, suggesting she visit me in my winter home or stay with me up north as the weather warms up. All is based on her being my house guest rather than us being lovers as before.

She's considerate and persistent. But it makes me feel seriously lonely and upset, as I did have strong feelings for her. I felt that I loved her.

I won't accept her plan, but I do reply to her. However, I'm just not interested in starting all over again.

Can you advise a solution? Uncomfortable Terms

A I find it coldly calculating that a years-long lover who's been enjoying all the benefits of your successful life suddenly cuts and runs to avoid having to care for you just in case you need help in the future. It's even more shocking that she left your side after minimal discussion and when you're in full energy and health.

Moreover, should you ever need a caregiver, it's evident that you can afford to hire one, or even two on shifts. Most men and women expect their lifestyle companion and sexual partner to feel normal compassion when age starts to take its toll.

Yet here you were enjoying an outgoing, sociable relationship over enough years to be widely seen as a twosome, and she walks away from any responsibilities. She just wants benefits for her, but not for you.

Loneliness can tear at a person's comfort and confidence, if they let it. But lonely people still want/need to be sure they're valued, not used.

Even with pandemic restrictions, you can still connect with and enjoy your family and close friends, and meet new people through your varied activities.

You are very likely to meet someone new who appreciates you for yourself.