Are we our loved ones' keepers?
Q I'm a male, 48, and my life is changing in ways that are emotionally painful. It's not a mid-life crisis for me, it's more about seeing some friends reaching that point.
A few once-close guys felt that there was no excitement in their lives, so they walked away from what looked like OK marriages, each leaving their partner to raise the kids alone. A couple other guys have given into their internal demons and either purposefully or accidentally overdosed. Their family and friends are devastated.
Is this pain I now feel about being afraid of aging, with my personal life and work the same every day? Or is it my reaction to those friends, and me wanting advice to do my best for myself and the people I love? Sad Losses, New Fears
A You raise the existential debate that thoughtful people have within themselves regarding their purpose as mortals:
Are we our dear ones' keepers? Is there something we can and must do when we know where another is dangerously headed?
Eventually, as these more recent losses get absorbed into your daily mindset, you'll have some answers. If you ever again suspect that a friend is shutting down purposefully and that there are no “accidents” when people drop out, you'll offer help.
Instead of just advising counselling or alcohol or drug rehab, you'll help your friend start the healing process. Instead of getting frustrated or angry, you'll hear his/her pain, scan some books about ending addictions, read them and talk about them.
You have little reason to fear growing older, because maturity and caring are growing within you. It may even move you to get involved more widely. You might talk to your kids about watching out for others, or you might gather the knowledge to talk with people hurting in their marriages or in their souls, about how they can reach a more satisfying life instead of checking out and hurting others.
Consider that, as Wikipedia defines it, an “existential crisis” is also known as “existential dread,” and both are “moments when individuals question whether their lives have meaning, purpose or value, and are negatively impacted by the contemplation.”
Your friends are lucky to have you asking how you can recognize the signs and intervene in a positive way. You show leadership by not letting yourself or your community neglect to support someone in need.
Now, here's my question for readers: Is it safer for us to carry on minding our own business, or is that a cop-out that humanity, on a large scale, just can't afford?
That's just one of the bigger questions that a pandemic, with part of our global population suffering far beyond that of our own, should have us all considering. I'll be interested in readers' responses.