`Financial infidelity' can bankrupt a marriage

Q When I got married my husband said that he would look after our joint finances. We were both earning similar salaries.

He said we should keep only enough money separately for what we needed for everyday expenses, and he'd save the rest for us. I got pregnant early in the marriage and was happy that he'd take over paying the household bills, etc.

He always said we were

“doing well” and bought himself a new car, and expensive suits “needed” for work.

Seven years and two children later, I started asking questions, insisted on seeing his records, and hired my own lawyer and accountant. I discovered that my husband had been privately diverting much of our joint earnings into investments in his name only. He also gave “our” money to his brother who invested in high-risk stocks, and lost most of it.

The two brothers also opened a company in their mother's name to buy condos, while I was denied the home repairs we needed.

I got divorced.

How can someone who swore his love to me be so sneaky, mean and unconcerned about how he was affecting me and our children for the future?

Lost Savings, Lost Marriage

A In a society of constant consumerism which has even flourished online during a pandemic, there are those who are “spenders” at heart and those who are confirmed “savers.” It's a trait that is often instilled in people by age 10, and either similar to, or diverting from, what we saw growing up.

Later, when financial opposites marry, they can come to a natural compromise, or maintain a divided approach to money.

In your case, your husband committed what's been called “financial infidelity.”

It's a phrase used by Carrie Casden, a California-based “financial wellness coach” and means that messing around with a partner's money is as searing a cause of distrust and permanent damage to the relationship as sexual infidelity.

During the pandemic, wellness coaches have provided support for people experiencing increasing mental health stresses related to money. So I contacted Casden about her near-30 years as a business manager for private clients.

With past studies in psychology and accounting she has a busy practice, along with a popular website (carriecasden.com).

While she acknowledges that women and men are equally known to have “cheated” financially on their partner, she's found that more female clients abdicate their overseeing of expense/savings, while more men take financial control (for good or bad intent).

In other words, all genders can be held responsible for dealing in cheating or absconding with jointly-owned funds.