Your dramatic friend needs to want your help

Q I've been friends with a woman my age, mid-40s, for two years, when our sons, age 10, connected through their school. She's a very interesting person with a successful business and also has a daughter, 16, and a son in his early

20s in university. I've enjoyed getting to know her, but have slowly become aware of many serious stresses on her from her ex-husband, her son, and her recent diagnosis of a health problem. I almost feel like it's too much drama for me to know how to be a good friend, though she certainly needs people she can trust. I know that she sees a few other women friends besides me, but some stick to superficial chat and avoid the serious topics that I'm sure are constantly on her mind.

I'm an empathetic person and have had some counselling myself for different, less dramatic issues, so feel I can be an understanding listener.

I don't want to just hear about the bizarre behaviour of her ex as gossip.

My interest is to be supportive to her when she's feeling down. I know she thinks that she has no choice but to put up with this man, or risk harming the relationship between him and his young son. He's her second husband.

How can I best help her?

— Worried Caring Friend

A Your sincere desire to be helpful is admirable, but unless she opens a conversation seeking ideas or help, it may feel more like pressure on her to discuss the personal matters affecting her. Even if you were a professional therapist, it's up to her to either ask directly to receive counselling or to be referred to someone for her issues.

The best you can do is listen when she initiates telling you personal stuff, be open about your empathy, and ask whether she's getting advice she trusts from reliable sources.

Small but important support can be given by offering to drive her to her doctor's office and/or pick up some groceries for her while she's there, or have her young son visit for a playdate with your child. Her issues with her ex and his behaviour to get her attention, are worrisome.

You could recommend that she talk to a lawyer about him.

Her older son, meanwhile, needs attention from a specialist in depression-related disorders, likely possible in the area where he attends university.

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