Compromise is key in mid-life
Q We're both 55. We started dating when she left her 28-year marriage to a narcissist and was very insecure. She lives with her adult sons in a house she bought after her divorce. I live in a condo where my youngadult son lives part-time.
After a year of dating, she said she'd like to marry again. I suggested we live together in a city condo close to my work. She doesn't work but preferred a suburban house. I spoke against the expense and maintenance of a house, which would hinder our chances to travel. She came around.
By the fifth year of our relationship, we loved each other and got along great. We had one episode where I broke up with her over something on a text. She went nuts and said I must never do that again; we must talk about things. I apologized.
One day she asked me what people would call her if she wasn't my wife. I responded, “`Partner' or `better half' or your name.” She said nothing.
One night, she texted me saying she wanted to get married or it's goodbye. I never asked when she wanted to marry and assumed it was after the boys moved out. But I was furious inside and said she needed to go find happiness. We broke up.
A year later, she's dating an ex-fiancé of 35 years ago and is happy. Did I make a mistake by not talking face-to-face and letting her go? Or was I right because she gave me a marriage ultimatum when she knew I was all for living together?
Getting married was more important to her than me. Was she so insecure from her past that she needed the security of marriage again? Why didn't her past engagement with this guy work? Was it because of their religious differences and her family disapproved?
Devastated
A Sometimes in a relationship, it's the seemingly small differences that quietly add up to a visible divide. She had left a narcissist, was insecure, wanted the stability of a house and especially of a marriage. You were certain and pragmatic about your wants — a city condo, travel and living together as loving partners.
Yes, an ultimatum is pressure that can be hard to take. But it makes clear what the stakes are. She likely finds the new/old relationship has brought her full circle to the man who wanted to marry her.
Yes, you should've discussed her “ultimatum” in person. But you still might've lost her.
A year has passed; it's time to move on. In your next relationship, recognize that major life decisions in mid-age have to be a compromise, since both people come from years of personal experiences and have needs in order to feel secure again.
Q I'm a widow and never had children. My best friend who was also childless passed away. Now I don't have that connection anymore.
I have another years-long friend with lots in common but she now has a grandchild whom she always wants to talk about, as though nobody else has a grandchild as smart as hers.
I cannot relate to that. How do I handle this situation without losing our friendship? Lonely Widow
A Consider your common interests. If reading is one, start a book “club” of the two of you or join one (online clubs are available). Similarly, watch theatre productions and orchestras virtually (until they're safely open) and discuss later.