FAMILY HAS BAD TIMING
Q My wife's brother-in-law is always late and always has some minor excuse that he tosses off. He was so late for his wedding that some people in the church thought it had been called off and started to talk about leaving. When he and his bride arrived, they looked smug instead of embarrassed.
His wife, my sister-in-law, is also indifferent to time commitments. When she is the “hostess” of a dinner or occasion we feed our young children something to hold back their hunger because there's nothing served until 9 p.m.
Early in our marriage, we invited them to attend a concert with us, featuring a band we all loved. We gifted them the tickets, so I was very annoyed when she arrived alone, a halfhour after it started, and he didn't make it until halftime.
Ten years later, little has changed. We see them less and we know that whatever the occasion, they will either delay the event for everyone or arrive late and indifferent to anyone's discomfort. I'm close to being finished with them. But my wife says we can't just drop family, that it's a bad example for our children.
Fed Up
A Something 's wrong here.
And there are some odd, almost anti-social signals that should be considered. Your wife must have some awareness of her sister's behaviour over the years of growing up together and before she met her husband. It's worth you two discussing whether she was always indifferent to being on time, and uncaring about making other people wait. If not, or only moderately so, there's more to this behaviour. Consider these possibilities: Are one or both of them heavy drinkers or have other addictions? Is her husband or your sister-in-law a controlling person who doesn't feel they have to follow others' punctuality issues? If yes to either thought, change your reaction and start to think about how to introduce a way to offer help. However, if you can't trace the origins of their rudeness, decide your own timing whenever you're going to be in their company. Your wife's instinct about children learning the wrong example from abandoning her sister is worth considering. Hang in until the situation reveals something that you two can either understand, or simply cannot accept again.
Q My husband is stubborn and sometimes I am, too. But we handle it differently. When we disagree, he stomps off, ending the discussion. He'll be distant and silent for several hours. He may then apologize or just be normal again. My stubbornness is usually related to raising our 10-year-old twins.
Though he's a good, caring father, he doesn't have the contacts and information that I get through my “mom circles.” So, I come to some decisions having become certain of them through those discussions. I've explained this but he thinks it's unfair and wrong for me to believe that I know best. But the reality is that I've learned and thought about the kids' issues more than he has. How can we handle our differences better?
Stubborn Times Two
A Share child-raising information when you learn it, not just when there's an issue. Read articles/books together on matters important to you both. Listen more than you talk.
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