Cheated-on wife can take charge of life
Q My best friend is going through a terrible time in her marriage. While she suspected her husband had too many “business dinners” before COVID struck, it became obvious between lockdowns when he insisted he had to go to “meetings” that lasted hours.
He would show her that he was taking a mask along so she wouldn't worry. But recently, his hurry to get out the door led her to snoop through his computer and discover the truth.
He's been cheating on her throughout their 14 years together. When confronted, he lashed out at her. He said that she was uninteresting while he “needs excitement, which she should have recognized and accepted.
He ignored the reality that she works full time and also does the majority of parenting their two children, both under the age of 11.
My friend is devastated. But the saddest part is that she blames herself. She feels unattractive, unsexy and unloved.
He is now mean to her during every discussion they have about his lack of respect for her. He says he can't take living with her any longer.
However, he insists that since she's the one who snooped, she is causing the breakup. He says it's up to her to tell everyone because he's fine if things stay as they are if she accepts that he has his own outside life. He even says it's better for their children if they stay together, and there's no reason for their families to know anything different.
My friend has lost all self-confidence and frequently breaks down in sobs.
How can I help her beyond just listening to her vent?
Cheating Husband Staying
A Speak truths to falsehood. Tell your friend that she doesn't have to accept being the “victim” of a husband with no conscience.
She's a responsible woman and mother who's been a loyal wife until learning that her husband cares only of himself.
His selfishness and flagrant disregard for her feelings will wear her down. She must fight to avoid this by taking charge of what's needed.
This includes freeing herself from his self-serving suggestions, doing research to start the legal process of separating from him, getting financial advice, informing both their families and learning the best approach for telling the children about changes while giving them close support.
Reader: Regarding the counselling client who sought a therapist's relationship advice but decided to follow her own instincts instead.
Sometimes people miss the boat regarding where their counsellor is trying to take them by giving them the advice they need ... but by using unconventional methods to do so.
When the counsellor told the woman that she would never leave the man she'd been living with, because she enjoyed his prestige and social life, the counsellor's approach may've been an appeal to her sense of pride and self-worth.
It could've been a matter of using reverse psychology to help move the woman to do what was in her best interest.
The end result was that the client did leave the relationship and the counsellor was proved successful in getting her to that place and state of self-awareness in her life where her best chance for happiness could now be achieved.