KEEPING FRIENDSHIP IS A NOBLE GESTURE
Q My live-in girlfriend and I have realized that though we're very compatible partners, we both want a more emotionally connected, passionate relationship. We've been together for six years starting two years after her divorce. I had a couple relationships but the last one ended badly, so I was still single. Getting together answered both our needs for a calm atmosphere along with fun times as a “family” and enjoying some shared interests.
I had my first shot at being a stand-in “parent” to her two sons, as their father basically abandoned his role and moved away. The boys are now 12 and 13. I've grown very close to them, helping these smart kids through home-schooling during the pandemic and getting outdoors with them to keep active within our “bubble.”
Though I'm leaving their home, I intend to visit them. But I'm worried that they'll be very hurt and reject my continuing friendship. How can I best handle this?
Friend, not their father
A You have an even stronger role once you leave, which is essentially maintaining the boys' trust in you, and also your own self-esteem. Their mother and you must together explain that your relationship to these children has always been intended as a sincere friendship for life.
It means you will visit them regularly; they can contact you when they wish and you will contact them. You'll still help with homework when needed, and also get together for some of the outdoor activities that you all enjoy together.
Demonstrate this promise of continued contact as soon as possible after you move out. Phone. Visit. Schedule a hike together.
Your continuing friendship will be one of the most meaningful relationships they'll know. Bravo to you for your commitment!
Q After 48 years with my soulmate, I've been a widower for five years. After two years, I met an intelligent, attractive, complex lady. I fell for her.
Part of our time together was as roommates, with a written agreement, having given up on a serious relationship. COVID was a factor. I enjoyed her company.
I now have a friendly relationship with a nice lady who enjoys single life. We meet weekly, but I'd prefer daily contact ... a roommate, not a serious relationship.
Any advice?
Still Lonely
A Women at your age/stage may be lonely, too, but they'd be wary about becoming “roommates” unless there's a contract defining what's shared property and what isn't, plus a type of pre-nuptial agreement if the arrangement ends. Hold back from suggesting rooming together until you fully trust the other person's expectations and intent. Meanwhile, enjoy the nice, independent lady you see weekly.
ELLIE'S TIP OF THE DAY
Creating “family” ties for children of divorce is a precious gift.
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