Funny Stuff
It’s From Australia
Online shopping is thrilling, right up until the receipt of the package. The postal van pulls up.
“It’s here! It’s here!”
Oh, a dip in my excitement as I see the parcel he is holding is smaller than I anticipated. Oh, and he has a device. I sense it won’t be, “Just sign here.”
“A customs’ charge?” Another tiny declension in spirit. I pay, he transfers responsibility, and I plod back with it to my kitchen. I know now, even before opening it, it’s not going back. I will not be investigating how to recoup a customs’ charge.
My hopeful inner voice chirps, “Don’t worry, this fabric will make your porch cushions sing. People will gasp, “My, what a stunning room, where did you get the fabric? ” You will say, “Australia” and they will say, “Wow,” meaning “Wow, what a brilliant purchase!” and not “Wow, you’re kidding, right?”
My package rests unopened, yet confident. My voice is busy rallying, “Look, you saw it online, it’s gorgeous. You’d looked in every fabric shop in southern Ontario. It’s taken a year to find something you like. You even waited a week after seeing it, so as not to be impulsive. All right, a week later there were only eight metres left of “Harlow Rose” instead of the original 16 and, yes, even though you needed only five metres, you bought all of it, but…think of the tablecloths.”
It’s time. What did that reviewer say, “It’s quite pink.” Well, Ms. Reviewer, I saw the image myself and it was exquisite!
I rip open the grey plastic packaging and stare down at my lap. It looks like bedsheets... rose-adorned, very pink bedsheets, eight full metres worth. My inner voice sighs, “Well, it is from Australia.”
Multi-use Fashion
It cost $6.50, a little more than I’d expect to pay for a belt from Value Village, but it’s an enchanting shade of periwinkle. It is also one of those clever reversible-type belts, a buckle closure on one end and two silver clips on the other. Multiple-use and only $6.50.
I try it on when I get home, it’s too long. My cobbler, Tony, suggests rather than punching extra holes, we shorten it.
A week later and it still doesn’t fit. I try clipping the ends to my belt loops, but it just distorts them and not in a trendy way.
I decide to take it to work, surely one of my stylish colleagues can show me a couple of options. Besides, I’m in for $11.50 now.
Eager to add it to my wardrobe, I head for my manager’s oce and explain my dilemma. She always looks so put together.
“Heather, I’m having trouble figuring out how best to wear this.”
She takes it from me, holds it up with the 2 silver clasps hanging straight down and says, “Viv…it’s a purse strap.”