Handling holidays while grieving loss of loved one
Holidays are times to pause, to feel inner peace, to be happy and joy filled, and to see hope and feel gratitude.
These feelings are almost impossible for the family in mourning, and holidays can be a very difficult and painful time. For those who have lost a loved one, these days can be bleak. You feel a hole in your heart and an emptiness in your life. Losing a loved one at any time is difficult, but the pain of grief is felt more deeply at Christmas. This is a time when celebrations are family centered and the pain of loss can be overwhelming! The grief journey is often unknown or misunderstood by those who have not suffered a similar loss.
The parent who has lost a child is bombarded with ‘Merry Christmas’ greetings, Christmas carols, children‘s concerts, decorating, and all sorts of activities that used to be joyful and included their precious child. In the family with surviving children, the parents try to make Christmas a happy time, often pretending to be happy, but shedding their tears in private after the other children are asleep.
Individual Differences while Grieving:
Each person’s grief journey is as unique as their fingerprint. Some may expect you to forget your pain and be filled with joy. Others might ignore your feelings or avoid you because they are uncomfortable if you mention your loss or show sad feelings. There is no time limit or perfect way to grieve. Each person’s grief journey is as unique as their fingerprint.
The Loss of a Partner: Losing a spouse is a great loss. A longtime marriage partner has become like a ‘right arm’ to their spouse. Whether the marriage has been just a few years or a forty or fifty year partnership, the loss is especially painful on special days such as birthdays, anniversaries, or Christmas and New Year’s. Since two have become one in the sanctity of marriage, the surviving partner feels like they have lost a part of themselves. When a younger parent dies, the surviving spouse now becomes a single parent raising dependent children or teens without the help of their spouse. a challenging task because the children are also facing a new reality.
Suggestions for Coping with the Holidays:
The following is a list of ideas that have been shared by persons who have ‘been there’. Some things may helpful for families that are grieving this Christmas. 1. Do what seems right for you. 2. Be gentle with yourself and with each other.
3. Grief is exhausting and one needs to recognize that you may be without physical and emotional reserve. Take time to rest and eat meals or meal supplements.
4. Listen to your own heart and follow your instinctive need to grieve in your own way, in solitude or with close friends and family.
5. Cry silently or loudly, without shame.
6. This year you may want to let some other family member be in charge of the Christmas celebrations.
7. Re-evaluate your activities. Be aware of those you enjoy. Do the things that are meaningful to YOU and YOUR family.
8. Attend a candlelight memorial service to remember and honor your loved one..
The important thing is to remember that the choice is yours. If you allow yourself the freedom to grieve in your own time and way, you will open the door to renewed strength, healing, peace, and acceptance.
Life will never be the same, but you will develop a new normal and be able to move forward in your personal grief journey.
A candlelight memorial service is being held Saturday at Oasis United Church at 2964 Skaha Lake Road, beginning at 2 p.m.
For details phone Rev. Ken Jones at 250-770-0182, Rev Laura Turnbull at 205-492-2684 or Marlene Armson of Stepping Stones Grief Support at 250-493-8108.