Feeling disrespected

DEAR ELLIE: My father-in law told my husband about having given his younger siblings their inheritance three years ago and that he supposed it was high time he did the same for us.

He said we should go buy a bigger house and he’d help us — a very generous surprise as we weren’t expecting anything.

My husband didn’t go into the family business (as his brothers did) and has paid the price of not staying Daddy’s favourite.

We’d accepted that a long time ago.

I’m now upset with both my husband and his father because he recently asked how we were doing with our mortgage.

Despite my husband just having been hired, finishing school, and having two children in full-time daycare, his father berated him for having an income problem.

He said his younger brothers were doing so much better financially, were much more respected, and that my sister-in-law was a well respected teacher as well.

He completely ignored all that we’ve accomplished in the past 10 years of helping my husband do the only thing he ever wanted to do, and trashing me as well.

My husband still hasn’t spoken to his father about how disrespected we feel. He’s afraid that his father will exclude him from his acceptance and approval that he so desperately wants.

What can we do besides not having anything to do with this person ? — Disgusted

ANSWER: Your father-in-law has a controlling personality and can’t understand how his one son chose to do something other than what his dad wanted, and has apparently worked well for his brothers.

Your husband’s had equally strong will, which makes him more like his father in a good way, than either man realizes. Cutting ties would just create a bigger family rift so should be avoided unless the situation becomes unbearable.

For 10 years you two have done your own thing and succeeded. His father knows that. Tell your husband he has been accepted and approved. His father just doesn’t want to give up all rights to comment.

To me, the best response is to keep doing what you two do, and be proud of it no matter his comments. If he still carries on and you feel disrespected, say so. I doubt he wants to lose his son.

TIP OF THE DAY Help a bride-to-be understand she’s neglecting your friendship.

Ellie Tesher was born in Toronto and has been working as a journalist for 25 years. She studied sociology at the University of Toronto before landing her first job at Children’s Aid as a case worker with foster children.