Affair gets complicated with a child
DEAR ELLIE: I’ve been seeing a married man for 10-plus years. It began innocently when I was 18.
But he took it to the next level after years of dating off and on. And years of fighting not only with him, but also with myself for being in this situation, as we had a child.
He promised me repeatedly that he’d end his marriage, but didn’t.
I now see him as a coward. Not only did he lie to his wife, but also he misled me.
All I ever wanted was a husband, a few kids, and a happy home. Now it seems that’ll never come to pass.
I feel for the wife and family, yet I also want to be selfish.
His wife has known about me for years.
But she recently found out about our daughter.
My biggest problem is that he wasn’t the one to tell her. She threw him out of their home and now he’s living with me.
But when we butt heads, he picks up his things and leaves, making me feel like trash.
I don’t want to live this way. I want to live without the fear that I’m being spied on by the jealous wife or horrid kids. What am I to do? — Want My Sanity Back
ANSWER: It’s over. You’re “butting heads” because you can’t stomach that he only left his wife because he got caught in a double life.
His ex realized that raising a second family is even more of a betrayal than cheating.
Of course, no matter how he took your relationship to the next level, you did take the risk of being with a married man. For 10 years.
Your daughter matters most now. Calling his other kids “horrid” shows that you’ve lost your perspective and need to turn this situation around.
He must contribute to your daughter’s support and you need legal advice to make sure this happens, in a matter that’s in her best interest. His marriage is likely over, too. If so, think through whether you can re-gain love and respect together or you’re better off on your own.
DEAR ELLIE: My son moved out with his girlfriend. They fought this year about spending time with her family as they’ve previously always spent time with his family. She’s right. But he didn’t want to leave me alone at Christmas.
I feel blessed that he cares, but I wanted to stay home.
On Thanksgiving, we went to his half-sister’s home and he wanted me to go there again at Christmas.
Yet he hadn’t even asked me what I wanted to do!
Now I’m mad and guilty at the same time. — Happy Home Alone
ANSWER: Lucky you to have a son who doesn’t want you to be lonely on your own!
It’s not clear, but you apparently did spend Christmas with him.
For the future, tell him that you’re happy to see him and his partner Christmas Eve, or Boxing Day. They can also split other holiday times between both their families.
Be clear that it’s what you prefer. TIP OF THE DAY When an illicit affair blows up, focus on your child’s best interests and your future. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.