Still hoping parents will re-unite
DEAR ELLIE: My father and mother separated 17 years ago, but they never divorced. I guess my siblings and I always took that as a sign that they still had feelings for each other and might one day get back together.
Meanwhile, my father had a few girlfriends over those years, and his latest one seemed more serious. She lived with him for at least eight years and attended family functions with him.
My father’s now 59, my mother’s 54. The girlfriend turned 35 and I suspect they parted this past year because she wanted to have children and he’s just not interested.
Recently, I needed to reach my father in a serious hurry even though I knew he was away. I called and accidentally discovered that he’s away on a secret “dirty weekend,” together with my mother!
She saw my “emergency” message to his phone and so answered my call which followed, out of worry. He then took the phone and made me swear to keep their secret. There was no further explanation.
What do you think is going on here? — Shocked Daughter
ANSWER: Here’s what’s likely going on: Lots of laughs, some tears and reminiscences, a few snide remarks — and maybe sex, or maybe not.
It really doesn’t matter yet, and truly isn’t your business since you were not meant to know.
This is not the child’s dream of getting separated parents back together.
If that should ever be their decision, you’ll know about it because they’ll tell you. But it won’t be the same dream you and your siblingsidealized when young.
For now, they had a mutual need to meet privately. Alone. Without involving or affecting you or anyone else.
But they are obviously two parents who’ve stayed connected to you. They respond to your needs in an emergency. Lucky you. Keep their secret. DEAR ELLIE: I had an unusual New Year’s Day experience that’s been worrying me ever since. When I went to go out with my child, I found a New Year’s card attached to my apartment door and signed only, “Your Admirer.”
I’m a single, working mother with a young son.
I don’t want to seem paranoid, but this mysterious admirer has rattled me a lot.
Is the note from a man or a woman? Was making sure I’d see it first thing when I opened my door that day a friendly gesture or the sign of a stalker?
I asked the building superintendents whether he had any clue as to who wrote the card but he said, No.
I’m now nervous and looking around me every time I go out my door, even though I take my child straight to school, then go directly to work.
I keep looking for someone following me, but I haven’t seen anyone obvious.
What should I do? — Bad Vibes
ANSWER: Discuss this with your local police and show them the note.
They may recognize a pattern of someone they already know about.
They may also have a procedure for checking out people in the building without revealing what it’s about.
Do be aware of your surroundings, and whether you’re seeing the same person repeatedly.
That’s a wise precaution, even if the person who sent the note is absolutely harmless and has no negative intentions.
(It could even be from a shy neighbour who wanted only to compliment you).
However, stay in touch with the police and report anything at all that seems unusual or worrisome.
DEAR ELLIE: Today I visited a church for the first time in nine years, and after a moment of prayer, I’ve decided to take a break from God and Religion.
But, I’m not sure if I made the right decision, or how to tell my family about my new decision.
What do you think about my decision? — Conflicted
ANSWER: Since you haven’t attended church for years, your family’s already aware that you’re not practicing your faith traditionally.
Or, you’re an adult living away from them and haven’t told them.
Either way, your decisions about religious practice are your own.
Some people who distance from church attendance still find a sense of spirituality and faith in other ways.
For many, faith is healing. Or, it’s a guide to living meaningfully.
Being “conflicted,” you might benefit from reading and learning more about how the world’s religions were founded and what answers people were, and are, still seeking through them.
TIP OF THE DAY A common dream of children that their separated/divorced parents will eventually re-unite, rarely comes true as it’s imagined. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.