My Mom’s boyfriend is an arrogant jerk
QUESTION: Four years ago, my mom began a relationship with a man who’s unable to be friendly, respectful, or build rapport.
He’s aloof, arrogant, and any time my wife and I spent with him has been excruciating.
My mom says this is his “personality type,” that he’s a nice guy underneath.
They’ve lived together and broken up twice, but remain close friends.
However, when I bring my wife and kids to family events, from our home six hours away, she invites him too, though she sees him all the time.
The experience inevitably becomes painful and hurtful because we’ve come mainly to see her.
Then he casts a long awkward presence over the whole proceedings.
She says that he has no friends/family, while our family is a big support to him and “has always been inclusive.”
I’m all for including people from time to time, but I think a) that making him feel comfortable shouldn’t be my family’s responsibility, and b) she should stop inviting him all the time and let us know in the future if she plans to do so. —Your Thoughts?
ANSWER: You’re hurt and she’s not getting it.
She’s lonely enough to put up with his ‘personality type,’ but you’re not getting it.
He may be insecure or have other reasons for his off-putting manner that you don’t know, while your mom seems to understand and accept him.
You and your mom need to talk openly. Tell her you love her and miss being together.
Say that you need some family time on your own with her on visits, but that you’re willing to be with her friend after a few days. Ask her to help you get along better with him, and plan ahead for this. Example: If there’s a sport you and he both like, perhaps you could watch a game together, or the family can have a movie night that suits all.
If nothing works, ask Mom to visit you occasionally — send her a plane or train ticket, and spend a few days where she sees your home life and spends solid time with you and yours.
But recognize that you and your wife may also end up having her meet some of your friends — it’s a way we share a part of our personal lives with family we love — which your mom is trying to do when you visit her.
TIP OF THE DAY When there’s hurt feelings between close family, speak openly and find new approaches together.
Ellie Tesher was born in Toronto and has been working as a journalist for 25 years. She studied sociology at the University of Toronto before landing her first job at Children’s Aid as a case worker with foster children. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. This column is syndicated nationally.