Loneliness triggers emotions

DEAR ELLIE: I’m 19. Back in 7th grade, I really liked a boy and knew he liked me too. But neither of us did anything about it. Four years later, he chose a medical field and I chose commerce.

Today, I’m living elsewhere pursuing my studies. I hadn’t thought of him for years. Now I feel like telling him how much I liked him. But I don’t know his contact information or whether he’s on social media sites.

I feel like I can’t marry any guy but him. I’m hoping to reach him through his friends.

Should I wait for him? I know I should move on but I don’t know how. I don’t want to regret for the rest of my life that I couldn’t tell him that he’s the one I always wanted. I just want to lighten my heart and hug someone.

— Suffering Distress

ANSWER: Your last sentence says it all — you’re lonely, yearning for warmth and hugs.

This is natural, when living far from home and family, while meeting the demands of higher education.

The boy you knew when you were both age 12 is a fond memory — but what he’s like now, his interests, even his looks, are unknown to you.

That doesn’t mean it’s not worthwhile to try and reach out, see how he’s doing. It may start a friendship.

Note that I didn’t say “re-start,” or suggest a sure romance. What you each felt at 12 was, at most, a crush.

To place all your hopes and dreams for your future as an adult woman on that slim connection would be unrealistic and unwise.

Even if you contact him, there’s little possible for now beyond social media exchanges.

So do ask his friends about him, but don’t build a fantasy around what may happen.

Instead, expand the life you’re living now. Join a school organization, be open to making new friends, form a study group in your field.

You need connections with others — now, and where it’s possible.

DEAR ELLIE: I’m 14, in high school. All of my friends like to go out by themselves.

But I have really bad social anxiety and can’t go out on my own without having a breakdown.

After high school, I want to study in Korea but I don’t think I can.

I want to be normal like everyone else and not fear that everyone’s going to harm me.

My mom told me to suck it up, that “you’ll be all alone one day.”

I want to have enough confidence to go outside by myself.

— Feel Like a Baby

ANSWER: You’re not a “baby.” Social anxiety disorder (SAD) or social phobia is fairly common in teenagers.

Your mother’s actually trying to help you, since one treatment is to face the social situations you fear rather than avoid them. A therapist can help you set up gradual steps to trying out situations alone.

Focusing on small successes will give you confidence.

TIP OF THE DAY A fantasy of future love doesn’t solve present loneliness.

Email ellie@thestar.ca.