Woman flustered by boyfriend’s laziness
DEAR ELLIE: My boyfriend of almost two years got his real estate license last year. He works for his mother, a big-time realtor.
It’s a hard job, long hours, and lots of dealing with clients without pay if you don’t make a sale.
Recently, he got his own apartment with friends.
He hasn’t been making any money and has been so negative and down. He spends more than he makes. He has a very big lazy streak. Recently, he’s taken interest in the nursing field (which I’m pursuing). He said that he likes helping people, and wants set hours with steady income.
I explained that he’ll have to go to college, which will take a couple of years, and study ALL the time.
He now feels encouraged and inspired towards nursing as his career.
But I feel that he’s lost. He only got into real estate because of his parents’ success which took them YEARS.
He complains about the work daily. One day I’d like to marry him, but I worry because he cannot keep a steady income. I want to settle down in the next year or so.
I’m scared for our future. I’ll be a nurse before him, but I was raised to be with someone who’ll provide for you.
How can I help him find his true passion? I know it’s not real estate. But is it really nursing?
I don’t have the finances to help him out — I live with my parents and have a part-time job.
I don’t want him to go to college only to find out that nursing isn’t for him. (He’ll pay for the course through the army — he’s in army reserves). — He’s Lost
ANSWER: You’re not responsible for finding your boyfriend’s best career field — that’s his task.
But you can encourage and direct him to get more information on his own, e.g. job availability over the next few years in the nursing field, average salaries, etc.
You can tell him some of the realities of “helping” people, including the hands-on physical tasks required and the needs of very sick people.
But your main responsibility to yourself, as you consider a future with this guy, is whether you can tolerate his “very big lazy streak” periods.
Many marriages have one person earning more than another and it might be you — not just when he’s in school. You need to decide if you can handle that situation if it arises.
FEEDBACK Regarding the husband whose wife’s constantly exercising (Feb.8):
Reader — “I was that wife. After losing 50 pounds of baby weight and more, I received praise and attention from men and women wherever I went.
“I became hooked on keeping myself several sizes too small.
“But there were underlying issues. I couldn’t even be honest with myself about how maintaining my body shape was dictating my life.
“I was also a high-functioning professional.
“After a friend’s intervention, I suffered a breakdown that led to a long, slow healing. “I was diagnosed with a mental illness, and joined an eating disorder program (no exercise addiction programs in my area).
“Sadly, I noticed a lot of other middleaged women experiencing this, which gave me courage to do something about my problems.
“I gained weight and found peace with a lot of support and understanding from my husband and friends.
“I want the husband who wrote you to know what can lie underneath this behaviour, and encourage him to get help for his wife and himself if needed.”
DEAR ELLIE: I work in an office of 50 people.
Those who use the lunch-room don’t clean up after themselves.
Our health and safety committee has stated that we’re all expected to clean up any mess left.
I said that isn’t fair to me, as I haven’t used the lunch-room in 10 years!
They said it’s about community and I need to clean the fridge, etc! My name’s first on their clean-up list.
Should I have to clean up after messy co-workers? — Feels Unfair
ANSWER: The answer depends on the workplace culture of “community,” and the contracted role of the health and safety committee.
Meanwhile, you could offer an alternate solution:
Those who do eat there could rotate clean-up monitors responsible for making sure that each person’s clearing their own food and surroundings.
You would then never be able to eat there (nor at your desk, I suspect). Think it through before you make a firm stand on unfairness.
TIP OF THE DAY Laziness regarding work can become far more annoying in a long-term relationship.
Ellie Tesher has been working as a journalist for 25 years. She studied sociology at the University of Toronto before landing her first job at Children’s Aid as a case worker with foster children.