Chore standoff could hide deeper issue

QUESTION: I’m a registered nurse. I work 36 hours a week. My husband is a construction super who works 44 hours a week. His schedule is Monday to Friday, but mine is all over the map.

He refuses to help with house cleaning. He says that I’m home more, and work less.

We have two large-breed dogs which make a mess and a 10-yearold who’ll chip in to help when asked. My husband empties the dishwasher, takes out garbage (when nagged), and takes our daughter to daycare when I’m working at 7 a.m.

I’ve offered to split housekeeping but he believes I can do it all.

The house is getting out of control. I’m standing my ground that I’ll do my share, but not everything.

ANSWER: You’re both convinced that you’re in the right, so it’s a standoff — one of the least helpful starting points for a positive solution.

Look closer at what’s going on. Are you really fighting about the house, or is some other matter getting “out of control?”

Since you’re both working and earning, you could decide which tasks you each like least and hire a cleaner every two weeks or whatever timing’s affordable.

You might find a neighbour to share a cleaner (half-day each), to make it cheaper.

Once you get the external problem lessened, confront what else feels so wrong.

Perhaps you two have never learned how to disagree without taking stubborn stands.

Or he’s too controlling on matters that require joint decisions. Or you’re the one who holds back on working things out until you explode.

Make a list of the chores. Tick off the ones each of you already does. Look at what’s left. Agree to both do two more. If many tasks are left, hire the cleaner, use a laundry service, find a dog-walker, etc.

If you’re still butting heads, see a marriage counsellor and learn how to negotiate and also recognize the deeper problem.

QUESTION: My husband of 18 months and I haven’t had intercourse. He says he wants children.

We’ve talked about the problem and he’s promised to see a doctor, but hasn’t.

He buries himself in his work and MBA courses. He’s barely home and I take care of all the housework because he also has a long commute.

I’m wondering if our relationship is his priority anymore. I’m becoming resentful, especially of others, including his sister, who constantly sends happy photos of their children and family outings.

This is such an intimate issue I have no one to talk to. It’s hurtful when friends and family ask when we’re going to start a family.

I know he’ll also refuse to see a therapist. I’m almost determined to have a platonic relationship forever and almost feeling I don’t want to have children.

ANSWER: He’s acknowledged “the problem,” and promised to see a doctor, so he’s likely experiencing erectile dysfunction.

You may both be surprised to learn that ED isn’t rare in young men under 40 (diagnosed in a reported 26 per cent). It’s often affected by stress and anxiety, which your husband’s work, studies and other pressures may be causing.

You’re also both still adjusting to a young marriage. Tell him you’re doing your best to ease the demands on him but he needs to do his part by seeing a doctor, because it could enlighten both of you and ease the whole situation.

Shut down intrusive family questions with a light, “You’ll be the first to know,” and change the topic.

QUESTION: I hate my mom for emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically abusing me throughout my childhood and my current adult life.

She’s an awful person and the hate is making me an angry person. My anger towards her is so deep I don’t know how to release it.

ANSWER: Call your local distress centre immediately.

Maybe writing this down helped you get out some of the anger, but you need to call and talk to someone whose work is helping others in crisis.

The people who take the calls keep the information anonymous and confidential. They do not judge. They’ve heard other stories like yours — and worse ones, too.

They know where to refer you for more help — how to get access to counselling regarding abuse, where you can find safe accommodation if that’s needed, where to look for a job or upgrading courses, and other resources you may need, even basics like clothing. TIP OF THE DAY In a standoff over chores? When there’s no workable solution, look for the deeper problem. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca.