A tribute to mothers
Ihad the most interesting conversations this past week with many mothers who have children under the age of five years. Today's column will be dedicated to all of these mothers and the countless others who are struggling with motherhood and being family managers.
I was reminded of two quotes this past week that have helped me through stressful situations and I want to share them with all parents who may be struggling with feelings of inadequacy and inferiority as they make their way on their journey through parenthood.
“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent” —Eleanor Roosevelt “All the time a person is a child, she is both a child and learning to be a parent. After she becomes a parent, she becomes predominantly a parent reliving her childhood.
— Benjamin Spock, M.D.
One mother, a former legal secretary, told me that being a family manager is more tiring, discouraging, and stressful than being in a lawyer’s office because she rarely feels as though she’s accomplishing anything.
“At the office, I could always get things done. Things got finished. Now that I have quit my job to be a stay-at-home mom with a 2 and 4 year-old, I feel really helpless and sometimes powerless.”
She went on to share that no matter how many times she cleaned up the house, the children, or herself during the day, her little ones would mess everything up and she would have to do it all over again.
At work, her colleagues did what she asked of them and she was very successful at organizing a very busy environment. Now, she never feels like she is doing a good job at anything in the home.
These feelings of inadequacy are making her feel as though she needs to return to work just to feel better about herself.
These comments and countless others are shared with me on a daily basis as I interact with stay-athome mothers and those working part-time.
There are many positive stories but all too often, most are feeling inadequate, overwhelmed or just exhausted!
Through my education, work experiences in early childhood settings, as an ECE College Instructor and as a mother of a very busy boy, I can relate to and understand all of the comments, stories and moments these mother’s are experiencing.
I have researched and observed that during the chaotic state of early childhood and children’s rapid growth at this developmental stage, parents (both mom’s and dad’s) who are most comfortable in a predictable, orderly, organized and quiet world find that the constant accidents, messes, interruptions, and mistakes of their young children make them feel inadequate and sometimes unproductive.
I am reminded that self-care and self-talk are very important components of parenting and are often overlooked by over-worked and over-whelmed parents.
These parents’ self-talk, the messages they give themselves about their lives, tells them, “That when my world flows in a more predictable way, I am calm. I feel okay. When it is chaotic, I can’t stand it”!
If they tell themselves that they “can’t stand” the mess in their home or the noise and confusion that their children make playing with their toys, or they believe it’s “their fault” that their children are so noisy and messy, they are bound to feel angry and depressed. When parents understand that the only thing they really control is what they think and what they do about what they think, they can choose to think the mess and noise at home is annoying but not a big deal, just a normal part of life in this busy season of parenthood.
Life will become easier when they stop fighting the inevitable and “go with the flow”.
When they can admit to themselves that they can survive and endure what is going on in their homes, even if they don’t like it, and that the chaos of their lives doesn’t mean that they are “bad” parents, they can change their focus and start to enjoy those precious moments with their children.
By repeatedly saying aloud to oneself, “This is no big deal. I can stand this. My children’s messes don’t make me a bad mother. And this, too, shall pass,” each time they feel upset over the shambles that young children make in their homes.
They may feel less frustrated with parenthood when they understand that their children are learning many important developmental skills from their early play and positive interactions with their caregivers and that they are not alone. Many parents are feeling the exact same way and have survived the early years.
Barbara Unell and Jerry Wyckoff, authors of a great book I read long ago as a new mom, The Eight Seasons of Childhood: How the Stages of Parenting Constantly Reshape our Adult Lives, remind us, “By thinking of your children’s behaviour as teachable moments, you start to appreciate the important impact you can make on their lives as a family manager”.
Remember to take good care of yourself and make time for you, Self-care is very important and easily forgotten during the busy time of Early Childhood parenting.
As you enter each “season” of parenthood, we need to ask ourselves some very important questions:
What kind of relationship do you want with your family? How would you like your first, present, next, and final last chapter of parenthood to be written? How do you make today special and positive, knowing it will be gone tomorrow? What legacy do I want to leave? What do I want my children to tell their children about me?
Lastly, parenthood teaches us the need to be flexible, reminds us to try to adapt easily to change and the importance of letting go of control.
Once again, enjoy your journey and reach out to other parents for support and guidance, as they are going through the same adventure and riding a similar roller coaster. Enjoy every wonderful minute and smile often!
“Dear Ms. Barber” is written by author and advice columnist, Brenda Fisher-Barber, Early Learning Expert with 35 years working with children of all ages and specializing in the early years. Visit www.brendafisherbarber.com.