Ill friend lashes out

DEAR ELLIE: I had a great marriage to my best friend, but four years ago he had a heart attack, which has changed his personality.

He now gripes and blames me for anything that goes wrong in his day. He name-calls and criticizes constantly.

Initially, I made excuses for his attitude as just ill health, but eventually I couldn’t anymore. My feelings stay hurt.

(I’ve always been an introvert and a bit of a loner).

Now when he wants to be intimate, I can’t let it go. I’ve tried talking to him about it, but he just gets defensive. The criticizing never stops.

He’s still a great husband in other ways, but I don’t feel the same about him. What can I do? — Nervous Wreck

ANSWER: There are roadblocks to your relationship with each of you barring the other from getting closer.

His heart attack likely left him with fears for his future health and diminished confidence. He’s unfairly lashing out at you in frustration.

You’ve been naturally hurt by this, and your “loner” tendency makes you withdraw.

It’s no surprise that sex can’t bridge the barrier.

But neither of you should give up. Not when you can say he’s “still a great husband” and not when he’s still seeking intimacy.

Your husband should ask his doctor about common emotions follow- ing survival after a heart attack — notably depression — so you both understand what’s contributing to his negative behaviour.

Then you both can tell a muchneeded marriage counselor about this, plus your own “introvert” tendency to retreat from people.

With new self-awareness and a desire to return to a “great relationship,” therapy is bound to

help.

FEEDBACK

Regarding the husband who doesn’t give gifts or show appreciation on his wife’s birthdays, their anniversaries, etc. (March 4 and Feb.7):

Reader — “I believe that he does not love her and he does not appreciate her. I’ve learned over the years that men do things if they want to, and don’t do things if they don’t want to.

“You can’t get blood out of a stone. The way I see it, this lady has two choices: She can either accept the fact that her husband doesn’t love her and treat herself, or get a divorce. Then she can love herself and take social actions where she can find a kind and loving man who will appreciate her!”

Ellie — Perhaps your stark analysis that he does not love her, and she can find someone who will, can move her to be more insistent that, if he does feel love, she needs him to show it.

TIP OF THE DAY Don’t let fear and frustration create barriers to your relationship.

Email ellie@thestar.ca.