Man suspicious about girlfriend’s sleepovers

DEAR ELLIE: My live-in girlfriend of four years is 24, and I’m 34. I’ve only ever met one of her friends.

She stays over at various friends’ houses at least one night a week, but always has an excuse as to why I can’t meet them.

A year ago, I discovered that she was cheating on me with another guy. She’d left her Facebook chat open.

Since then, we’ve been to counselling and I’ve forgiven her (I think). Sometimes I wonder if she’s really at one of her girlfriend’s houses or if she’s being unfaithful again.

Monday is the only week-time evening that we spend together as I’m busy with my daughter (from a previous relationship) most weeknights.

My girlfriend usually stays at a friend’s house Friday or Saturday night, leaving only one weekend day for being together.

How do I get her to include me in her social circles? — Isolated Boyfriend

ANSWER: Your socializing’s being blocked by big red flags.

Since your daughter needs time with you and you’ve chosen weeknights, why would your live-in girlfriend regularly sleep out on a weekend night?

Even if your daughter’s around, can’t your girlfriend take part in your life as a parent? Or, is she uninterested, or are you excluding her?

There’s a glaring emptiness in this relationship. Whether your girlfriend’s cheating again or just distant is uncertain.

Counselling hasn’t resolved your doubts about her. It’s time to ask her the direct question: Is she in or out?

If either of you is unsure, take a break to re-think the whole arrangement.

FEEDBACK Regarding a mother of teenage twins — one with mental health issues (May 6): Reader — “It’s very important for her to care for and support her child during a very difficult time.

“But she’ll be better able to do so if she seeks support for herself - for her own recent bereavement and the emotional difficulty she’s having with her daughter.

“Bereaved Families (Ellie: branches across Canada, similar groups in the US) would be a start.”

Reader #2 — “I’ve been a twin for 56 years.

“I agree with getting help re: the one girl’s cutting herself and possible depression. I’m guessing that the angry twin is the second-born and there are other issues.

“Comparison of twins by others is bad enough, comparison between them is crippling. My twin has a better job, financial independence in retirement, and no kids.

“I have three adult children and grandchildren. And so it continues. Twins are a difficult relationship.”

TIP OF THE DAY

When a partner chooses absence and “friends” over being with you, re-think the relationship. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.