Abuse survivor inspires others
The room Fagre Kanten sits in on Thursday morning is comfortable and notably well-lit.
Lamps are strategically placed in corners where streaks of sunlight from a small window can’t reach, but they’re turned off; Kanten is radiant enough herself.
Speaking TO the South Okanagan Women In Need Society, Kanten shared the story of how learning to love and respect herself has helped her overcome the legacy of an abusive relationship.
What started her journey towards healing was someone saying: Yes, we have a room for you, Fagre, something SOWINS strives to do for all women in need of help.
SOWINS’ fourth Annual Walk a Mile in Her Shoes event will take place on July 7 at Rotary Park in Penticton. Earls Walks for You, a kick-off fundraising event, is tonight at 7 p.m. until close at Earls Penticton. All proceeds from both events will go to helping women in the community.
Money raised from last year’s fundraiser provided 2,339 bed-stays in emergency shelter at SOWINS. Kanten knows the impact just one of those stays can have.
“I got married to someone that had all kinds of criminal background. But to me, it was love,” Kanten said. “There were indicators in retrospect, but I dismissed them or didn’t take them seriously.”
Despite laying numerous assault allegations against her then-husband, Kanten said, once the abuse became routine it altered her perception of normality, even after police warned the relationship would only end with one of them in a body bag.
“You reframe everything. You’re not in touch with reality really,” she said. “You’re constantly in a state of damage control and survival.”
Kanten said her first break from that toxic cycle came during a dinner with friends one evening. “
An offhanded comment about her then-husband’s anger management treatment sent him into a rage. He punched Kanten multiple times on the arm, then stabbed her in the leg with a ballpoint pen.
“And the only thing I said to him was, ‘Do you see what you’re doing right now?’” she recalled.
After coming after her with a large knife and pinning her to the sofa, a friend distracted him long enough for Kanten to get away.
“At that point, I just became numb. I was no longer aware of my surroundings,” she said.
The RCMP later contacted SOWINS to take her to the safe house. Being outside of the insulated world she’d contended with for so long was a difficult step for her to take. “I was really embarrassed, humiliated,” she said, adding she was nervous about being judged. “I thought, I’m 40 years old, wanting to be successful in the world.”
SOWINS turned out to be the inviting, open space Kanten needed to heal. But, she said, she wasn’t able to realize and take advantage of what was being offered to her.
“It was a 30-day stay, but I didn’t stay that long. It was more about punishing him, being away from him,” she said. “And I knew it was serious but I wasn’t getting it. So I ended up going back and I left the house within two or three weeks.”
Her first stay at the house was enough to show her that help was available should she need it. It pointed her in the right direction, but she wasn’t ready to move.
“There was a lot of dialogue about the situation, a lot of support,” she said. “The irony is I wasn’t finished even when it was that serious.”
What finally freed her from the cycle was the death of her then-husband. Kanten entered another relationship in her grief, but this time, something had changed.
“I noticed very quickly that it was another abusive relationship,” she said. “So at that point I recognized the signs quickly before something tragic happened. And I reached out to SOWINS, and they remembered me from years ago.”
A few hours after she called, SOWINS’ staff had a room ready for her.
Kanten said a key part of the process was realizing the larger cycle at play in her relationships that caused her to normalize abusive behavior. Taking the time to focus only on herself at SOWINS allowed her to do that.
“I thought to myself, ‘I really need to look at my patterns here, I need to look at me,’” she said. “So I was very open to utilize the resources and really listen and really ‘get it.”
Through a six-week pre-employment and life-skills program, she was able to develop herself into a full-fledged human being again.
“I always had the awareness and I took action, but I didn’t have the acknowledgement,” she said.
“The self-awareness was a big piece. It’s not about the abuser, it’s about you and your choices and your lack of confidence and not feeling deserving.
“The staff lead you through this whole self-analyzing process and then basically give you the ability to use these tools to get you up above where healthy human beings are.”
A two-month stay at SOWINS opened Kanten’s eyes to how deserving of happiness she really was, and gave her the ability to reach for it: “It’s like a light bulb went on. It’s like the sky opened up and you actually see it.”
Kanten, who has since moved to Vancouver, will be at the Earls event tonight. She hopes her story will help women in similar situations to realize their worth and seek help. She also wants to give them a hug.
“I feel fantastic and I have a lot of people to thank for that. I’m so grateful, that I kind of want to do what they do. And help people to realize that. Because it’s definitely about us,” she said.
In addition to bed stays, SOWINS provided 135 children with outreach counselling as part of the Children Who Witnessed Abuse program and over 173 senior women with services as well.
Check-in for the July 7 walk is at 4 p.m. and the walk begins at 4:45 p.m. Those looking to walk, donate or volunteer can go to www.sowins.com/wamso.
Admission for the Earls event is a $20 cash donation to SOWINS or tickets can be pre-purchased at Earls, through SOWINS at 250-4934366 or reception@sowins.com or Diane Fru at 604-990-9886 or diance@dianefru.ca.